Secrets, Lies, and Open Flies
by SapphoAndCyanide
Summary: New name same author..Everyone has their own little secrets, but which one will be the worst? Read on to find out. FUNNY! Chapter 11 is in! Reveiw ppl or I'll stop writin!
1. Default Chapter

Secrets, Lies, and Open Flies…

Summary- what happens when Phoebe finds out that Chris really isn't Piper and Leo's son? What if Leo was gay? Read on to find out.

(By far the funniest story ever told.) It's rated M or R because it has a lot of cussing and some slight sexual references. It's a Dramady- Comedy/Drama.

Disclaimer-okey-dokey I don't own _Charmed_, or anything in relation with _Charmed_, so PLEASE don't sue me. I'm too young to go to jail…I don't own the Twilight Zone either. Dammit I wish I owned _Charmed_! Or better yet, the worlds' biggest bucket of KFC… That would be so cool! P.S, I don't own The Crypt Keeper either. (Starts to cry.)

This sucks I don't get to own anything! Except for this shoe that's on my left foot, I don't know where I got the right one. It still had a foot in it when I found it though…

The following story doesn't necessarily reflect the views of the station, it's management, or any of the other crazy people that occupy the small void that is my extremely disturbed brain. Enjoy!

Me: Welcome to my world. Tonight we hear of a man with many secrets. One of which he has been hiding from his so-called 'aunt' another which will shock (and hopefully not excite) you. This could only happen in a place called, The Twilight Zone. (Eerie music plays and you see The Crypt Keeper playing the piano. He looks at the camera and smiles.)

Crypt Keeper: "Hello kitties. I'll be talking now and then just so you know I'm watching you!" (He does that creepy laugh,)"Aaaahhaahaha!"

Chapter: numero uno.

(Kitchen, Piper is sitting at the table sad, and Phoebe walks in. Her usual peppy self.)

Phoebe: "Hey Piper what's wrong?" (She pours herself some coffee, but the cup overflows and scalds her hand.) "Ooh damn, shit, crap that burns!"

(Piper laughs)

Phoebe: "Excuse me? Do you want some?"

Piper: "Sorry Phoebes. But I need your help, please."

Phoebe: "No arguments here." (Piper slaps her on the back of the head.)

"Watch it. Things finally got better now that bitchy Prue is gone, let's keep it that way."

Piper: (In a winy voice.) "I think Leo's cheating on me!"

Phoebe: (Thinking) _Huh, I don't blame him. Piper won't do anything interesting in the sack. _(Talking) "Oh sweetie I'm sure that's not true. Why do you think that?"

(Paige walks in and sits down.)

Paige: "Think what?"

Phoebe: "Nothing you little horse-fucking son of a bitch."

Paige: "Alright, no need to be so hostile. Just cuz you ain't been getting no cock since Cole left you."

Phoebe: "Bitch, Cole didn't leave me, you hags made me vanquish him!" (Kicks Paige in the shin. Paige throws _more _coffee on Phoebe. Piper Whistles.)

Piper: "Okay can you two stop bitching and help me with my problems?"

Paige: "That could take years. I have to be at work soon."

Piper: "Bite me. Anyway I think Leo's cheating on me because usually when he gets home all he wants to is screw or eat. Lately it's been more eating. Do you think he's being unfaithful guys?"

Paige: "Well it's obvious isn't it? I mean usually all I hear in there is, (In a manly voice.) "C'mon Piper, it won't hurt a bit, I swear." Or; "Please Piper, I promise I won't disrespect you by calling you a cock-sucker, I promise!"

Phoebe: (laughs) "Yea, I'm gonna have to agree with Paige on that one. I'm sorry Piper but you're just too bland."

Piper: "Bland? You just wait till Leo gets back I'm gonna give him the ride of his life!"

(Phoebe and Paige look at each other and laugh hysterically.)

Paige: "Okay Piper, whatever, Oh thanks for the pick-me-up. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. I gotta go." (She orbs out still laughing.)

(Piper looks at Phoebe sadly.)

Phoebe: "Oh c'mon Piper, you know Leo loves you and would never cheat. Besides if he did you could just blow off his dick!" (Phoebe starts laughing again. Leo walks in.)

Leo: "Hey Piper," (He kisses her.) "What's for breakfast?"

Piper: "I am, let's go upstairs and I'll give you the best sex ever!" (She starts to walk out but Leo sits down.) "What's wrong?"

Leo: "Sorry sweetie, I'm kinda tired, maybe later. Besides it's only 10am."

(Chris walks in wiping his mouth and tucking in his shirt.)

Chris: "Hey Leo, hey guys."

(Phoebe looks at Chris suspiciously.)

Phoebe: "Where have you been?"

Chris: (glances uneasily at Leo.) "Oh you know, nowhere in particular. Whitelighter business. You know, very hush hush. Okay that was fun. I have to go. Leo I'll see you later for our…um…"

Leo: "For-our- Whitelighter lessons." (Leo fills in quickly.)

Chris: "Yea Whitelighter lessons." (Piper and Phoebe look at them strangely.) "Leo's showing me some tricks to being a Whitelighter, so I can get another charge." (He waves and orbs out.)

Piper: "Okay what the _hell_ is up with you two all of a sudden?"

Leo: "Well you said we should get along and that's exactly what we're doing." (His eyes shift back and forth.) "Hey where's Wyatt?"

Phoebe: "He's in the conservatory."

Leo: "I'm going to go check on him." (He quickly gets up and leaves.)

Piper: "Something's up with them."

Phoebe: "You're probably just over-reacting. Maybe they really are trying to get along. Well I'm gonna go now." (She starts to leave.)

Piper: "Where could you possibly have to go, do you have a client today? I thought they usually came here?" (Piper laughs and Phoebe flips her off and leaves.)

Me: "Okay, this is kinda boring so far. What do you think CK?" (I turn and CK is eating KFC.)

Crypt Keeper: "CK? Who the fuck is CK?" (He throws the bucket at me.)

Me: "Well- you are. I'm not gonna say Crypt Keeper every time I want to get your attention."

CK: "If you don't I'll sic my army of pork rind-eating-minions on yo ass!"

Me: "What minions? You're like _1000_ years old and anyone who ever watches you ends up dead or fat."

CK: "Why do you have to ruin the moment? People feared me until you told every one that I like flowers. It's over!"

Me: Uh actually I didn't say that you like flowers, you did."

CK: "What?" (Turns to cameraman.) "Burn this tape and I'll give you quarters, everybody likes quarters! Quarters will make everything all better!"

Me: "Will you shut the hell up! It's time to start again."

(Piper walked into the conservatory and found Leo sitting with Wyatt.)

Piper: "Hey," (She sits down.)

Leo: "Hi,"

Piper: "Leo I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Are you cheating on me with another woman?"

Leo: "Maybe we should put Wyatt in his room before we do this."

Piper: "No, he can stay. Now tell me."

Leo: "Okay, um yes and no."

Piper: "What do you mean '_yes and no_'? Which is it Leo?"

Leo: "Piper please don't hurt me. I am cheating on you, but it isn't with another woman…" (Leo quickly shields his face.)

Piper: "Whaa…Uhh…Umm…"

Leo: "You're taking this rather well."

(Thinking) _It's only because Wyatt's here. Thank God for kids._

(Talking) "P-Piper I'm sorry but that's just the way it is."

Piper: "Who is he-do I know him?"

Leo: "Yes, very well actually. I'm not going to tell you because you'll kill him."

Piper: "Oh believe me if I ever find out who he is I'm going to something much worse then kill him!" (She takes Wyatt from him.)

"Get away from him you cock-sucker, you might rub your queer off on him!" (Piper walks out, leaving Leo happy to still be in one piece.)

Voice: "Well did you tell her?"

Leo: "Yea, I told her, but she doesn't know it's you yet so I suggest you keep as far away from here as possible. Piper's gonna be blowing-up every guy that walks through that front door."

Voice: "Okay but are we still on for tonight?"

Leo: "I think so, but I may have to rent a room because Piper's not going to want me here."

Voice: "Fine, I have to go. I'm missing a sale down in China Town." (Disappears,)

CK: (Yawns,) "MY GOD! This story is more boring then watching Oprah. Our conversations are better than this piece of shit story. What's wrong with you?"

Me: "Go suck an egg, if anyone's still reading this then they're _clearly _interested."

CK: "Or maybe they're looking for a painful way of killing themselves." (Starts to laugh.) "That's good, I should write that one down. (Starts writing down last stupid comment.)

Me: "Why did I even ask you to help me host? I could've had anyone! Captain Crunch, The Doughboy, any of those freaky food icons. But NOOO, I gotta have King of the Dead! In fact I think I'm gonna get someone else out here. How about Prue?"

CK: "No, please not Satan! I'll be good I promise!" (Gets on his hands and knees and starts to cry.)

Me: "Where's your dignity man? She doesn't bite, much…"

(Prue walks out and throws CK out of his chair and sits down.)

"Prue why'd you have to do that?"

Prue: "I wanted this seat. Now what was all this about me being Bitchy?"

Me: (In a nervous voice.) What do you mean? I never called you Bitchy."

Prue: "The hell you didn't. Do you want me to leave or what?"

Me: "No, but I _would _like you to stop screwing our cameraman."

Prue: (Stands up and buttons her pants.) "Sorry, look I have to go trade some kid's soul for a concert ticket in an hour so can we move this along here? What are we talking about?"

Me: "Okey dok, well Leo was just telling Piper how he was gay. Pretty good, huh?"

Prue: "I _knew _it! It was so obvious he was gay, I thought I was just going crazy because I was scared Phoebe would find out I was sleeping with Cole."

Me: "Ya know, I should be surprised that you said that, but strangely I'm not in the least. Ok back to the story."

Piper: (She is putting Wyatt in his crib and Leo walks in.)

"What do you want, Queer Bait?"

Leo: "Piper would you stop with the jokes already? You don't hear me sayin' 'Oh watch out here comes Turkey thighs, make way!' So lay off the gay jokes ok?"

Piper: "Whatever, I should have guessed something was wrong with you when I met you. With my luck with men I should be grateful you're not a demon. Do the Elders even allow gay Whitelighters?"

Leo: (Sighs,) "Oh please Piper it's not like you don't keep any secrets from me!"

Piper: "Of course I do! But none of them measure up to that one! The biggest secret I've ever kept from you was that I faked it a couple of times."

Leo: "You what? You're lying!"

Piper: "Wanna bet?" (Starts making all kinds of erotic noises.) "See?"

(Wyatt looks at them, confused.)

Leo: "So you're a good actress, I'll give you that. But that _can't_ be the biggest secret you've ever hid from me."

Piper: "I'm serious, that's it." (Looks at Wyatt uneasily.)

Leo: "Seriously Piper, I'm gay not stupid!"

Piper: "Ok, I'll tell you. But I don't want you crying and shit. Umm…a…"

Leo: "Dammit woman would you hurry it up!"

Piper: "You're not Wyatt's father!" (She covers her face.)

Leo: Wha… How… Ah…who is he?"

Piper: "I'm not going to tell you because you'll kill him. Or probably give him a blow-job! (Slightly laughing.) Kinda funny isn't it? That's basically the same reaction I gave you earlier. So I guess we're even now, huh?"

Leo: _Even, Even? _Piper you just told me the boy that I _thought_ was my son for two years isn't even my son! This isn't even _close _to what I told you! This changes everything!"

Piper: N-No it doesn't. I wasn't even gonna give you visitation rights after we broke up!"

Leo: "What now we're broken up? Do you have anymore horrible secrets you'd like to share, or should I guess?"

Piper: "Of course we're broken up. We can't _both_ like guys. It's just not natural!"

Leo: "You're not natural!"

Piper: "Oh that's _real _mature! Just get your' big gay flabby ass out of here before I blow it up!"

Leo: "Fine, I'll just come back for my stuff!" (He orbs out.)

Me: "Man this is getting interesting. Isn't it Prue? Prue?"

(Prue is flirting with the cameraman, _again!)_

Me: "For the love of God Prue! Control yourself. He's married!"

Prue: "I don't care, I'm desperate. Now what were you blabbing about?"

Me: (Annoyed,) "I was asking what you thought of the story so far."

Prue: "I've heard better. Hell, I've thrown-up better!"

Me: "Geez, I was right to call you a bitch. I'm kinda starting to miss CK. But you had to go and kill him!"

Prue: "Get over it. He was boring."

Me: "I don't care he was still better than you! Let's see, who's your mortal enemy?"

Prue: "What makes you so sure I even have one?"

(Laughs,) Me: "Prue, _I'm_ even deliberating on whether or not to kill you. And I don't hate _anyone_!"

Prue: "Fine I'll shut-up."

Me: "Do you want a dog biscuit?"

Prue: "Do you want me to kick your ass?"

(Piper is sitting in her room folding clothes when she hears a voice.)

Voice: "Did you tell him?"

Piper: "I told him, but he wasn't too happy about it. I mean deep down he's still the straight-Leo I married. I still love him."

Voice: "It doesn't matter. The damage has been done. There's no going back now."

Piper: "Technically this is my fault. Unless Leo was fruity _before _I had Wyatt…"

Voice: "Oh trust me he was."

Piper: "How do you know that?" (Piper looks all around but can't see where the voice is coming from.)

Voice: "Never mind, I gotta go. Are we still on for tonight?"

Piper: Not tonight, I'm just not in the mood."

(The voice disappears.)

(Cut to The Bay Mirror, Phoebe is working on her computer, And by _working_, I mean _playing _games. She is also watching a TV Psychic give bad readings.)

Phoebe: (Singing) "And this piece is connected to that piece, and that piece is connected to this piece, and that's how you play Tetris." (She loses.) (Talking) "Oh shit, that's not fair! Wait, whom am I talking to?" (She looks at the TV.) "I guess I was talking to you, Crazy Psychic Lady!"

(On the screen Cole appears where the lady was. He's messing with tarot cards casually.)

Phoebe: "Cole?"

Cole: "Hello Phoebe, I'm back."

Phoebe: "But how, I thought I vanquished you."

Cole: "You did, and it hurt like a bitch mind you, but I'm over that. So I need your help getting me out of purgatory."

Phoebe: "I don't think that's such a good idea, after all, we wouldn't have vanquished you if we didn't have a reason."

Cole: "Phoebe, you have to believe me, I'm not that demon anymore. Please help me so we can be together."

Phoebe: (Sighs) "Okay, I will." (She goes up to the TV screen and kisses it just as Elise walks in.)

Elise: (Shocked) "Phoebe, what the hell are you doing? Are you drunk!"

(Phoebe pulls away from the screen only to see that it's the old, ugly, psychic lady.)

Phoebe: "Ah, Elise! No I'm not drunk, I was just-just-cleaning the screen. It's _really _dirty. We should fire the janitor." (Clears her throat and sits in her chair.)

Elise: (In dismay) "You were cleaning the TV screen…with-your-tongue?"

Phoebe: (Thinking) _this is why you never French kiss a TV at work, especially if your boyfriends' in it. _(Talking) "What do you want Elise? I'm kinda busy."

Elise: "Yes, cleaning television screens with your tongue. I can see you are _extremely _busy. Now do you have your column finished?"

Phoebe: (Proudly hands Elise her column.) "See, I think it's my best one yet!"

Elise: (Reading a entry aloud.) 'Dear Lonely in Los Altos, my advice is to put on a tight mini skirt and tube top and hit the clubs. If your _husband_ doesn't think your wild enough he sure will when you come home with three _guys_!' "Phoebe, we can't print this. We'll get our asses sued! What's wrong with you? You're on drugs, aren't you? If you are, how come you didn't ask me to do them with you!"

Phoebe: "Elise _I'm not _on drugs. I just thought that my column should have a little more spice, ya know?"

"No, I don't know. Phoebe this isn't advice. This is-is a sexual harassment case! Ever since your boyfriend disappeared your advice has been all screwy, but dammit Phoebe, don't risk your career because you had a bad experience in love."

Phoebe: "Cole isn't gone, I saw him today. And I'm gonna go save him!"

(Phoebe stands up and walks out the door.)

Elise: (Mumbling) "Save him? Whoa, that must be some good pot."

Okay that's the end of the chapter. Pretty good if I do say so myself… 3 words people, READ & REVIEW! C'mon you can do it! If I get enough reviews chapter 2's gonna be really good… I might even get someone other than Prue to help. (Whispers) Between you and me, I think Piper and Phoebe hired Shax to kill her. Anyway all that crap bout dissing on gays. Forget about it! I got nothing against them. Some of my friends are gay or bi. And that drug reference doesn't mean I do drugs. I also have friends who do them. So R&R and PEACE BIATCHES!


	2. Oh thank God I'm not them!

First I'd like to thank some of the people that reviewed: S2C: I understand about the cussin', there won't be as much of it in this installment. Alexywill22, of course it's obvious that Chris is with Leo, but is he the one who knocked up Piper? Oh and if it's ok I'm gonna use your idea. And girlmorecorr, thank you, thank you, I liked your story too !"

Okay thanks for reviewing; it's highly appreciated since this is my first ff. Anyway I think this chapter will be better (or worse) than my last one.

Disclaimer: It's on the first page, nimrod! I ain't writing it again! Screw that! Also anything on this chapter, which I could get sued for using, I _don't _own! Like the WB, or Jack and Bobby, KFC, um, Starbucks, Anything else I may have forgot to mention. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING! NADA, ZIP!

Me: "Let's recap what happened in the last chapter, shall we?" (Turns to Prue.)

"Prue, sound effects, _now_!"

Prue: (Wining) "I don't wanna…"

Me: (Holding out fist.) "Do it…"

Prue: "Fine… Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, (Out of breath.) "Doo, do-o…"

(Start low-budget flashback.)

Leo: "Piper please don't hurt me. I am cheating on you, but it isn't with another woman." (Quickly shields his face.)

(Next)

Piper: "Okay I'll tell you, but I don't want all that crying and shit… Umm"

Leo: "Dammit woman would you hurry it up?"

Piper: "You're not Wyatt's father!" (Shields her face.)

(Next)

Elise: "Phoebe what the hell are you doing? Are you drunk?"

Phoebe: "I'm not drunk. I'm just-cleaning the TV screen. It's very dirty. We should fire the janitor." (Gets up and sits in her chair.)

Elise: "You were cleaning the TV screen, with-your-tongue?"

(End low-budget flashbacks.)

Prue: "See, this is what happens when you do a story for the WB. We only got $100 to do that flashback, and we spent 20 of it on pizza. And it wasn't even that good. They said it's _illegal_ to put children's body parts on anything in this country."

Me: "Prue watch what you say. The executives of the WB may be watching." (Nervous, I look into the camera. You see some guy pointing a pistol at my head and hands me a piece of paper.) "Oh, ah, 'the WB is by far _the _best station ever. Along with all its shows, anyone who disagrees with this will be forced to apologize at gunpoint and then watch six _full _hours of Jack and Bobby. Then they will have to give all the executives a full…' (Reads on but doesn't say it.) "Uh uh, there's no way in _hell _I'm saying that!" (He pushes gun closer to my head.) "Alright, I'll say it! 'They will have to give all the executives a full on… _foot_ _massage_. Thank you that is all.' (Executive walks away, but not before shooting Prue in the head. The wound heals instantly and he runs off, scared.)

Prue: "I think that's one of the guys I screwed on my first day."

Me: "How odd, me too. It's tiny, isn't it?"

Prue: Very, see I'm capable of being nice, we're getting along."

Me: "Yea, but that's only because we're both evil and hell bent on world destruction."

Prue: "True, but hey, it's something to bond over."

Me: "You're not my mom. I don't have to bond over _shit _with you!"

Prue: "Bitch!"

Me: "Ah, thanks for the compliment, _whore_!"

Prue: "Thanks! Now can we get back to the story, I'm getting kinda antsy."

Me: Fine,"

Chapter II: Oh thank _God_ I'm not them!

(Paige is at her desk _also _not working, but surfing the web. Man, what is it with this family and slacking off? Anyway she's 'working' and someone walks up to her. It's the new (bi curious, I think.) girl, Leslie. She's not the best looking so Paige tries to hide.

Leslie: (In a wheezy voice.) "Hiya Paige, what's up?"

Paige: (Gets up and starts walking away and Leslie follows her.)

"Nothing, anything new with you?"

Leslie: "No, everything's pretty good, pretty good, man did you hear about the Glaze case? Whoo, is that a doozie, or what?"

Paige: "Yea, pretty weird." (Very uncomfortable, she tries to leave the copy room.)

"Listen I gotta go. It's my lunch break."

Leslie: "Alright, um, do you maybe want to do something sometime?"

Paige: "Whoa, hey, I'm sorry if I have been throwing you the wrong signals. Very sorry, but as they say, I don't swing that way. I'm really sorry."

Leslie: "What are you talking about? I'm not…gay, I meant as friends."

Paige: "I would but it seems here that I'm booked solid for the whole month-I-I mean year! Oh look there's Stephen, why don't you go bug- I mean talk to him."

Leslie: (Looking disappointed, then happy.) "Alright," (She runs over to Stephen.)

Paige: (Breathes a sigh of relief and starts to leave.) "Poor Stephen," (When she gets outside she makes sure no one is around and orbs into a dark room with a bunch of dark people in it. She sits down at one of the many chairs and they hand her something.)

Prue: "What-was-that?"

Me: What do you mean?"

Prue: _That_! What was that? It was so boring. What's wrong with you?"

Me: Nothing's wrong with me, well I do have writer's block."

Prue: (Shaking off the horrible feeling which is boredom.) "Hmm, who's Leslie?"

Me: "Who? Oh her, she's just this annoying, ugly, fat girl that was in my class last year. She used to be my friend. Then words were exchanged, and let's just say I almost got my first restraining order. She was _so _scared."

Prue: "Cool, I got my first restraining order from my ex, Ashley Hamilton." (Which indecently _was _a guy!)

(See what I did. I mixed Prue's and Shannen's lives together. No? Well then read on.)

Me: "How many do you have now?"

Prue: "Let's put it this way, I'm not allowed into anywhere that can hold 106 people."

Me: That's bad."

Prue: "It's not _so_ bad. I'm just not allowed in to any of the KFC's in the country."

Me: "I'm a vegetarian, but that _sucks_. Oh by the way, coming up I have this _great _surprise for you. It's an old friend come to visit."

Prue: "Is it Andy? I really do miss him. I saw him on my way to hell but he just ignored me."

Me: "Maybe, hey, who else is down there?"

Prue: "Oh people you wouldn't believe! Cher, I saw her last week, Um, the whole 49rs football team…"

Me: "I meant permanently, not there to make deals."

Prue: "Oh, in that case, nobody interesting, Osama Bin Ladan. Turns out he really _did _die of kidney failure."

(Phoebe walks into the mausoleum. She takes out a spell and starts reciting it.)

Phoebe: "Oh bring me Cole,

Bring me his soul,

Bring me the asshole,

Oh bring me Cole!"

(All kinds of smoke fills the room and it clears. Cole is standing next to Phoebe.)

Cole: "Phoebe you did it. That was the worst spell _ever_, but you did it!" (They hug and kiss and all that mushy stuff that makes me wanna throw up my bean tostada. Phoebe pulls away and slaps him.)

Cole: (Puts a hand on his face.) "Ow, why the hell did you do that!"

Phoebe: "Cuz I felt like it. And because I haven't had anyone to slap since Prue died." (Cole slaps her.)

"Ow, why did _you _do that!"

Cole: "Because _I _haven't had anyone to slap since Prue died. That and because you called me an asshole in your spell.

Phoebe: "Even?" (Cole nods and the do an unwanted high-five.)

Cole: "So do your sisters know I'm back?"

Phoebe: "No and their not gonna know. I've learned my lesson."

Cole: "Okay, then where am I supposed to stay?"

Phoebe: "Probably in my office. For now, at least until another close family member dies. Then you get their room."

Cole: "Works for me. I hope its Paige.

Phoebe: "Me too, she's so annoying. Kinda makes me miss Prue.

Cole: "She's not _that _annoying! How come we can't share a room?"

Phoebe: "Because I kick, and you snore, and talk. That and because my bed's too small."

(They shimmer back to Phoebe's office where stuff that will not be mentioned occurs. Let's just say that Phoebe now needs to wash the couch…and her chair…_and_ the carpet…_and_ her _desk_! Hell, she should just burn and replace everything!)

Prue: "That's nothing! When Cole and I were going at it we basically had to replace everything, including the walls!"

Me: (Clearly disgusted.) "How is that_ even_ _possible_!" (Thinking) _man, I didn't even get through the whole paragraph yet and she's talking!_

Prue: "Do you really wanna know? Cuz I got time to tel…" (I cut her off by sticking my hands out.)

Me: "No, No! Really it's okay, I've already thrown-up once today. That's my limit."

Prue: "Really? My limit's 3."

Me: "You don't say, well that explains a lot."

Prue: "It does?"

Me: "No, I'm just trying to stall cuz I have friggen writer's block."

Prue: "Oh," (We sit in silence listening to elevator music.)

Me: This music sucks!" (To the sound guy.) "Can we get some Creed or Staind in here? Even Marilyn Manson will work!" (He puts on Sublime.)

"That works too."

Song: "I don't practice Santaria, I ain't got no crystal ball. Well I had a million dollars but I- I'd spend it all!"

Prue: Dude I love this song!"

Me: Sure you do. Just don't ever say 'dude' again. You're not cool enough to make it work."

Prue: "Your not cool enough. I'm freezing, literally. Can we turn up the heat please?"

Me: "Are you fucking damaged? It's like a brick oven in here! Of course what would you expect from the Bride of Satan?"

Prue: "Did you just call me the Bride of Chucky?"

Me: (Sarcastically) "Yes Prue, I called you the Bride-of-Chucky. You need to clean the sulfur outta your ears." (I roll my eyes.)

Prue: "I love that movie!"

Me: You love everything!"

Prue: (Pouting) "Hey who killed the jams?"

Me: "We missed the whole song? Well it doesn't matter. It's time to bring out our special guest. Prue I'm gonna give you two chances to guess who it is."

Prue: "Is it Andy?" (I shake my head.) "Okay, is it- is it- my mom?" (I shake my head.)

Me: "Why would we get your mom? She wouldn't even come when I said that Sam was coming. Even though he's not. What makes you think she would come for you? Anyway, those guesses were _way _off! Let's bring out our special guest… Drum roll please… (Drum roll.)…Shax!"

(Shax walks out and waves to the invisible crowd. He grins wickedly and sits next to Prue.)

Prue: "W-wh- why did you get him?" (She tries to switch chairs with me, but I sock her and she sits down, terrified.)

Me: "Shax, how's it going?"

Shax: "I've been better. Those stupid Charmed Ones vanquished me."

Me: "They're a pain in the ass, aren't they?"

Shax: (nods) "Oh c'mon Prue, say something!"

Prue: (In between sobs) "I-hate-you!"

Me: "That's all you can say? Seriously Prue, this is the guy that killed you. He threw you through a wall for god sakes. You've got to say more!"

Prue: "I'd rather not talk right now if that's okay with you."

Me: "It's not! I'm gonna get bad reviews unless something happens in the next couple seconds."

Shax: "I'll handle it." (He starts beating Prue up. Prue starts beating him up. There are some Matrix moves. Shax picks up our cameraman and throws him. Poor cameraman, he had three mouths to feed. This keeps going so I decide to continue the story already in progress.)

(Cole and Phoebe have _finally _finished and now they are just lying there.)

Phoebe: "Wow, you were _so _much better than that guy I was with last week!"

Cole: "What guy? You mean you've been sleeping around on me? You scank!"

Phoebe: "C'mon Cole, you can't expect me to stay celibate for five months! That's inhuman!"

Cole: "So just do what every other lonely girl in America does, buy a vibrator."

Phoebe: "I did but Paige stole it!"

Me: "Ok that last comment was _extremely _uncalled for. I'm sorry you had to hear that but Prue said that Phoebe really _does _have one. Eww."

Phoebe: "I do not!"

Me: "Whoa, you can hear me? But I'm just the narrator."

Cole: "Well it's not that hard. You are talking pretty loud."

Prue: (Prue and Shax have finally stopped fighting. Prue is missing her right leg and some teeth. Shax just needs a new shirt.) (All sweet and totally un-Prue-like.) "Hi Cole."

(Cole waves.)

Phoebe: "Hey watch it bitch, he's mine!"

Prue: "Then why did he sleep with me on the side?"

Phoebe: (Looking at Cole. Mad and hurt.) "You did?"

(Shax is sitting there, listening and laughing. No one sees him.)

Me: "Alright as much as I'd like to see Prue get the shit kicked out of her, _again_! this is getting to be too much!" (I pull out some glittery crap that erases your memory and sprinkle some on Cole and Phoebe.) "Okay, you two just finished doing the dirty. You are gonna forget this conversation and go on talking about Phoebe cheating. You can't see or hear Prue or me…now!" (I snap my fingers and Cole and Phoebe look at each other strangely.)

Phoebe: "What were we talking about?"

Cole: "How you got horny while I was gone. It's okay I forgive you. If there were any decent looking girls in purgatory I would've done the same."

Phoebe: "How come we haven't put our clothes back on? We're on a _dirty _leather couch. My ass is starting to stick."

Cole: "Mine too,"

(They get up and the leather sticks then comes off.)

Phoebe: "That's better. Now let's get dressed and I'm taking us out to coffee."

(So they get dressed and do their thing. Meanwhile Leo is talking to that voice.)

Leo: "I think I still love Piper. I just don't think she can accept me like this." (Looks down at himself and he's wearing _leopard skin pattern _and a pink scarf around his neck.)

Voice: "Well it's too late now. What's down is done I always say."

Leo: I've never heard you say that before."

Voice: (Sighs) "It's a figure of speech. Like; 'Don't cry over spilled milk' or, 'Turn around, bend over and take it like a man.'

Leo: "That's not a figure of speech." (Some dark figure walks up behind him.)

Voice: "I know it was a command." (_More_ X-rated shit happens. And it's really nasty too. I would go into detail but I wanna keep this story on the table.)

Prue: "Wow that's hot!"

Me: (Disgusted.) "That's sick! It's guy-on-guy! No one likes guy-on-guy. Except maybe _gay_ guys! (I throw up _again!_)

Prue: "Hey watch it! These are new boots!"

Me: "You asked for it. Oh god that was terrible. Holy crap is that part of my stomach!"

Prue: "Hey you think anyone's realized that Leo is screwing…" (I cover her mouth.)

Me: "Probably, but for the slower-minded readers, no."

Prue: "Well they probably already know who got Piper knocked up."

Me: "Wrong, they _think _they know. And I think that what they think and what you think are totally wrong from what's right. Got it?"

Prue: (Prue's head starts going all Exorcists, she stops.) "Don't ever confuse me like that again."

Me: "I knew that would work! Hey where's Shax?"

Prue: "I shoved a pill that I found I the floor down his throat."

Me: "Oh you didn't! I needed that pill to stop the rabid monkey that lives under the floorboards. Was it blue and red?"

Prue: "No it was red and white. What was that one for?"

Me: "I dunno. But go figure you could take out the Source's right hand man with a pill."

Prue: "I wish I had known that _before _he killed me!"

(Piper is sitting watching the news when Paige walks in.)

Paige: (Sits down next to Piper.) "Hey sweetie, what's up?"

Piper: (Still watching TV.) "Oh you know the usual, got up, had some breakfast, played with Wyatt, found out my husband is gay, read the paper…"

Paige: "Wait, Stop, back up, it's Hammer time." (She starts doing some stupid MC Hammer dance. Piper throws the remote at her.) "Oh right, now what's this about Leo crossing over to the backside?"

(Prue and me laugh at that.)

Piper: "I dunno but apparently we _both _like romantic movies, and long walks on the beach, and bubble baths, oh and did I mention _cocks?"_

Paige: "Oh Piper, no, that was just uncalled for… Umm mm."

(Piper gives her the Freddy Krueger- glance.)

Paige: "Sorry, well did you tell him about Wyatt?"

Piper: "You bet your long neck I did. You were right, now should I start kissing your ass now or later?"

Paige: "Later would be better. I just had a bean burrito for lunch. But I didn't wanna be right honey. Although that would explain why he wouldn't do me."

(Piper gives her another glance.)

Paige: "I'm just sayin, besides if it makes you feel any better _you're _probablythe one who turned him gay."

Piper: "How does that make me feel better!" (She starts to cry.)

Paige: "Here we go with the water works. Hey how about I call Phoebe? After all you really don't like me anyway."

Piper: (Crying a little.) "I like you Paige. I just wish you wouldn't try so hard to be like Prue. I really don't want another on of her hanging around the house."

Paige: "Well I thought you wanted me to be like Prue. Thank god I don't have to be. I'm sorry your husband's gay." (She starts crying.)

Piper: Me too!" (She starts crying again.)

Prue: Man, I thought Piper was the one who actually _liked _me!"

Me: "Well clearly not. I guess raising them wasn't enough for them."

Prue: Geez I guess so."

Me: "Okay this conversation is getting nowhere. Go wake up Shax."

Prue: "He'll hurt me again."

Me: "Well boo hoo, suck it up. He can't kill you, you're already dead."

Prue: "Thanks for reminding me." (She walks up to Shax, who is lying on the floor. She is still missing her leg. She pokes Shax with a long stick that was conveniently next to him. He wakes up and hits Prue.)

Shax: "That bitch, drugged me!"

Me: "Well how was she supposed to know you could be drugged?"

Prue: (Sits down painfully. All kinds of blood comes out of her leg.) "Yea, it's not my fault!"

Me: "You know, you should really get that checked." (I point to her leg.) "Can we get a medic out here!" (Some short bald guy we'll call, George, walks out.)

George: "Actually, the medic's on his lunch break."

Me: "You've got to be kidding." (George walks away.)

(Leo is sitting at the edge of the bed. You see that shadow guy again.)

Voice: (Sounding hurt.) "You said her name near the end."

Leo: "I told you I still love her."

Voice: "Well you never said it until now. You used to say my name. How do you feel about me?"

Leo: "You know I love you too."

Voice: "Well you're going to have to choose. Me or her?"

Leo: (Very long pause.) "I need more time." (He orbs out.)

Prue: "Ah was that a Kleenex moment or what?"

Me: "Or what is right. What was that? Did I write it?"

Prue: "How do you _not_ remember? You just wrote it like 12 seconds ago."

Me: I know, I've been on this sugar rush all day. You know, shaky hands, all hyper, I'm freezing. That's what happens when you have two medium ice coffees from Starbucks in an hour and forty-four minutes. It sucks."

Prue: "I know the feeling all too well. That's why I Irish up my coffee. If I'm going to be hyper I might as well do it while I'm tipsy."

Me: "Well I don't want that luxury cuz unlike you, I actually wanna keep my liver. At least until I die and they have to scrape it off the road cuz I drove too fast and didn't see the deer."

Prue: "Are you okay? You're starting to scare me."

Me: "What part of the phrase 'extreme sugar rush' don't you understand?" (Singing) 'Prue crapped corn and I don't care. Piper crapped corn and I don't care. Phoebe crapped corn and I don't care! Paige just tripped on it!"

(Okay I know it's 'cracked' but _I don't care!_)

Prue: (Looking at me strangely.) "You're crazy."

Me: "Quite possibly, but that's not the point of focus now."

Prue: "Such big words for a small girl. But I know a bigger one. Hippo-pot, ugh, hippogotamas, ugh dammit, hippo!"

Shax: "Well I know the biggest word of them all. Supercalifragileisticexbealadotious!"

Prue: "Isn't that from 'Mary Poppins'?"

Me: "Yea and so is this. (Singing) 'Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. In the most delightful way!"

Prue: "Or my version, (Singing) 'Just a spoonful of Exlax makes everything come out, in the most delightful way!"

Shax: "That was funny!" (Slaps Prue on the back and her eyeballs pop out.)

Me: "Oh god! What did you do!"

Prue: "Oh it burns! You fucking idiot!"

Shax: "Guess I don't know my own strength."

Me: (I'm trying to stick Prue's eyes back in.) "End of chapter! End of chapter!"

Okay that is the slow end to chap II. Sorry folks, I gots sthe writer's block! That was supposed to sound French but it looks like I was having a seizure when I wrote it… Next chapter's gonna have Oompa Loompa's in it! I love them! Okay R&R or Die! Kidding, Kidding! (Or am I?) Anyway be kind this is my first FF but my 2nd chap… I know I got a little nastier this time around but it was funny… SEX SELLS!

Ha, I should tell that to Leslie, she wouldn't get any customers though. How sad… R&R Bitches!


	3. Chris's Secret

Wow chapter 3… I'd like to thank the lovely people who reviewed. Alexywill22- thanx, so far you are my favorite person. I'm going to use your Grams idea. S2C, thanks again, you are my favorite person from the TNT boards! Seedeadpeople98- they were great ideas, weren't they? I hope you use them. Oh, alexywill22, you can't steal anything fair and square! If that were true then I would own my boyfriend. There in lies the joke.

Thanks again all. Before we get started there's just one thing I'd like to say; It's not over till the fat lady sings. Unfortunately, my cousin's in another town! HA!

Crap, almost forgot the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Prue: "Nicole owns nothing! So don't sue."

Well that was vague and pointless.

Me: "Wow Prue can you believe it? We've made it all the way to chapter 3 with only minor bumps and bruises." (I look at Prue who is still missing teeth, but managed to get her leg sewed back on. She gives me a nasty look.)

Prue: "That's easy for you to say. After we finished the chapter Shax beat me up in the parking lot. People started making bets!"

Shax: "That _was _pretty funny. I've never seen you cry before."

Me: "Speaking of bets, Shax where's my $50?" (Shax hands me a 50. Prue looks hurt.) "Oh get over it. You knew our friendship, or whatever it is, is based on money. I don't wanna be your friend for free."

Prue: "What a insensitive gesture."

Shax: "I think I slapped her smart." (He slaps her on the back of the head.)

Prue: "Ouch, you unintelligent life form!"

Me: "Hit her again." (He does.)

Prue: "Ow, you mean-demon-person!"

Me: "That's better, now let's get down to business. Before we recap I have another surprise for Prue. Well actually she gets it later."

Prue: "NO! The last time I got a surprise from you I got _him_!" (Points to Shax who is flirting with our new cameraman. That's right, I said _man_!)

Shax: "Sorry, okay can we recap? All this stalling is making me wanna hurt Prue."

Me: "Okay here's a quick recap of chapter 2: Phoebe brought Cole back where they proceeded to get _freaky _on Phoebe's furniture. Then we stalled by checking up on Paige at work, dullsville. Then I brought Shax out, that was fun." (Shax nods. Prue doesn't.) "Um, Leo did it doggie style and fled because he has commitment issues with the creepy voice. Finally Piper and Paige were cryin' because Piper was alone and Paige was relieved she didn't have to live up to Prue's rep. Now here comes chapter 3."

Chapter 3: "Chris's Secret."

Chris orbed into Phoebe's office where she was surprisingly working. (I look at her computer.) No wait, she's looking at porn. Where's Cole?

Chris: "Phoebe I gotta talk to you about something. I figure if I tell you here, in your office, where there's witnesses out side, you won't be as brutal."

Phoebe: (Giggling) "Ah Chris, will you give me a sec please?"

Chris: (Annoyed) "Fine," (Steps out side.)

Phoebe: (Looks under her desk at Cole. What they're doing is up to you. But it's pretty self-explanatory because Phoebe's pants are down!) "Cole, okay, get up. I'm finished."

Cole: "Good, who's Chris?" (Gets up, Phoebe zips up her jeans.)

Phoebe: "My nephew. I mean my nephew from the future. He's Piper's and Leo's. Long story short, I'm the only one who knows."

Cole: (In a sing-song voice.) "And now I know too!"

Phoebe: "Yes, now I need you to go pre-occupy yourself or we're not gonna do that thing you wanted to do tonight."

Cole: "Alright, but remember, _normal_ sex, not that freaky taboo shit you like so much. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak and spongy." (Little Futurama quote there.)

Phoebe: "No fun for me but whatever." (She pushes him out the door. Chris walks in and is about to sit down.) "Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you." (About to sit on the couch.) "That's even worse." (Chris decides just to stand.)

Chris: "Who's that guy?" (Referring to Cole who is taping a 'Kick Me, Hard' sign on Elise's back. Someone kicks her.

Phoebe: "That's um- Cole- he's my demon boyfriend. Or my friend with benefits, or something along that line, now what do you have to tell me?"

Chris: (Looking like he's about to throw up.) "Okay, this is _really _important and I want you to think about all the positives of the situation." (Phoebe nods.) "Alright, hmm, ah, I'm-not really your nephew… I'm not even from the future. I'm from New York."

Phoebe: (Totally spacing on the fact that Chris just said he was from New York.) "Right," _Breathe Phoebes,_ She thought. "Okay, positives, positives. I don't have to worry about Piper getting pregnant on your conception date. I-I could sleep with you now if I want." (Chris smiles hopefully.) "That doesn't mean I will." (He frowns.) "Negatives, you lied to me, you-you lied to me, and now I feel like I have to throw up." (She throws her (Cold) coffee on him.

Chris: "Okay, I deserved that. At least you didn't go Rogue on me like I thought you would."

Phoebe: "Tell me one thing, if you're not from the future and you're not Piper's and Leo's then why are you trying to protect Wyatt?"

Chris: "I can't tell you that now. Meet me outside the Manor tonight a 10pm and I'll tell you everything." (He orbs out. Phoebe rubs her temples. She's not too happy about her situation.)

Prue: "Wow, you could cut the tension in that room with a knife."

Me: "Huh?"

Prue: "I heard it on Court TV."

Shax: "Good for you now can we please give Prue her surprise now?"

Me: "I guess, but Shax, all I ask from you is that you don't act gay. You have a rep and it would be a shame for you to ruin it." (He nods.) "Alright our next guest needs no introduction, mainly because we couldn't think of one. Let's bring out…. PENNY HALLIWELL!" (All kinds of applause and whistles from only God knows where. Penny walks out looking beautiful as usual.)

Prue: "Grams!" (Tries to hug her but Grams pushes her down and starts to kiss Shax. Oh gag.)

Grams: "Thank you so much for having the courage to do what all of us couldn't!"

Prue: "What are you talking about?" (Shax is running around wiping his mouth, screaming;"Oh god she used tongue, SHE USED TONGUE!" He finds a pair or scissors and is about to cut his tongue out when I throw my hands out. And miraculously he _freezes_!)

Me: (I look at my hands, Grams stops choking Prue and she just has her hands on her throat. They're both staring at me." I-I froze him. Cool, I didn't even have to kill Piper to get this power!"

Prue: (Prue and Grams sit down.) "No fair, I wanted that power!"

Grams: "Oh shut up! God you're so annoying!"

Me: "Will you two please shut your mother-loving pies holes! I'm tryin to figure out how to unfreeze him." (I take the scissors outta his hand then flick my wrists he unfreezes.)

Shax: "How'd you get over here?"

Me: "I froze ya." (We both sit down.)

Prue: "I thought you said you were mortal?"

Me: "Well I am, or was, I dunno."

Grams: "Forget about it."

Me: "Okay, now why were you thanking Shax?"

Grams: "Because he actually _killed_ Prue. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've put potions in her coffee, but none of them worked. They were supposed to give her a heart attack. Strangely, I'm the one who died of one."

Prue: "Well that hurts, is there anyone in this family that _doesn't _hate me?" (Everyone shakes their head and coughs uncomfortably.) "Jerks,"

Grams: "The world doesn't revolve around you Prue, now be quiet so we can get on with this story. I must say I'm not too happy about how it's going so far. Honestly, Leo's gay, Phoebe's a whore. I'm used to Phoebe being the black sheep. And Chris? You are a disturbed person Nicole."

Me: "Thanks, I think, coming from you that's not a compliment. Okie dokie, let's get goin again."

(Piper and Paige are sitting in the kitchen eating lunch and Piper's feeding Wyatt.)

Paige: "Well, if you wanna find out who Leo is getting jiggy with just cast a truth spell on him."

Piper: "I can't do that. Personal gain, it would probably make me reveal another secret I don't want anyone to find out about."

Paige: "More secrets? Man, Piper you're worse than 'Desperate Housewives' and that's saying something."

Piper: "I hate that show."

Paige: "You're damaged, anyway you wanna tell me who Wyatt's father is?"

Piper: "No way! You'll blab it out then Phoebe will know. Then she will tell someone then that someone will tell someone and so on, then finally it will end up back to Leo."

Paige: "Phoebe doesn't know? Ha, for once I'm one step ahead of the game."

Piper: "What game?"

Paige: "Game? I didn't say game." (Shifty eyes.) "I have to go!" (She orbs out leaving a very confused Piper.)

Piper: "That bitch is getting crazier every day."

Grams: "What's 'Desperate Housewives'?"

Shax: "You don't know, hell even _I _know!"

Me: (I roll my eyes.) "It's a TV show. You wouldn't like it. It's dirty."

Prue: "Well I getta watch it because in hell all the bad TV shows are always on."

Grams: "So does that mean that they have 'Beverly Hills 90210'?" (Prue gives her a nasty glance. Look I mixed their lives again. They're too boring on their own.)

Shax: "Even _Satan's _too afraid to play that show. Legend has it that every time it shows Brenda she takes a little bit of your soul." (He says that in a creepy voice.)

Me: "But she's on the screen like every 12 seconds! Oh god I'm 14 and I lost my soul!"

Prue: "Ah, you don't need it anyway, it just holds you back."

Grams: "People we're _stalling_ again!"

(Now on to Leo. He's in his room packing up his stuff. Piper walks in.)

Piper: "Hey,"

Leo: "What now you're not gonna even call me names?"

Piper: "Look, I'm sorry I was mean earlier. It's a lot to handle for both of us."

Leo: "Yea, Piper you have to believe me. I said that I'd always love you no matter what."

Piper: "I love you too, but I don't think we can make this work." (They sit at the edge of the bed.)

Leo: "We could if we tried. All I have to do is become bi."

Piper: (Chuckles) "You don't have to do that. If we wanna be together you're gonna have to break up with that guy."

Leo: "Already done," (They lean in and kiss. Knowing this is gonna cause some problems. Leo lays her down on the bed and they keep kissing. Leo starts to unbutton her top….) (Grams interrupts. Not them, me.)

Grams: "Okay that's enough, you pervs don't need to see my granddaughter making up with her husband."

Shax: "Everyone already knows what's gonna happen. And it's too late to protect them. Phoebe came out with a movie last year called…"

Grams: "I don't wanna know what it's called!" (The cameraman looks from behind the camera and raises his hand.)

Cameraman: "I wanna know." (Grams uses her powers to kill the cameraman with his camera. He screams and blows up.)

Prue: "Ah, why'd he blow up?"

Me: "Because half the crew _are _demons. The other half made up of midgets. Thanks a lot, now we have to hire _another _cameraman!"

Prue: "Speaking of midgets, what ever happened to the Oompa Loompa's you promised last week?"

Me: "Ugh, Wonka decided to be an ass and he said 'no'. Seriously, you do cannon balls into the chocolate pool a couple of times. And maybe let your dog swim, and maybe pee in it, and it's suddenly contaminated."

(Everybody looks at me oddly.)

Shax: "Alreightee then, we should-ah see if Piper and Leo are finished."

(Nope, still doing it. Leo's going all slowly, figures.)

Leo: "Piper…Piper…Piper… Oh god… _Chris_!" (Leo smiled and rolled off her. Piper lay there.)

Piper: _Did he just say Chris?_ She thought. (Leo was oblivious to the fact that the person lying next to him was indeed _not _Chris. He didn't even realize he said it. Piper sat up.) "You-said-Chris…" (Her jaw hanging open.)

Leo: (He shot up) "Wha, no I didn't!"

Piper: "Yes you did. You said my name then you said his you sick freak!"

Leo: "I didn't say Chris! I-I said _Christ_!" (The jig was up he had been found out. Now he would be alone because Piper was going to leave him and kill Chris.)

Piper: "You slept with _Chris_! My Whitelighter, I thought I was the only one in the family that went for them, how could you!"

Leo: "Piper, calm down please, you have no right to be angry with me! After all, you cheated on me!"

Piper: "So, I did it with a member of the opposite sex! I have to throw up." (She runs into the bathroom and does exactly that.)

Leo: (Thinking) _Now's my chance._ (He grabs everything he can before the door starts opening. He only has his boxers and a pair of socks. Chris is gonna love that.)

Piper: "And another thing…" (Notices he's gone.) "Dammit!"

(Leo orbs into a motel room.) "Chris!" (Said in a shaky voice, he's on the verge of tears. He sat and waited for Chris he decided not to tell him what Piper and he did. Chris orbs in. He notices Leo's lack of clothes, but pushes the thought out of his head when he sees Leo sad.)

Chris: "What's wrong?" (Sits next to Leo.)

Leo: "Piper found out I'm with you."

Chris: "How!"

Leo: "It may or may have not slipped out."

Chris: "What? Leo, now she's gonna come after me and kill me! We won't be able to be together and have that house by the ocean and the two kids we dreamed about."

Leo: (Crying) "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. This all my fault!" (He cries some more and Chris holds him.)

Chris: (Whispers in a sinister voice.) "Don't worry I'll deal with her."

Shax: Bum, bum, bum!"

Me: "Did that scene make anyone else uncomfortable?" (Everyone nods.)

Prue: "I've never seen Leo cry before. Except when they got married, but that's normal crying. That over there was just…Creepy." (She shudders.)

Grams: "How come Paige orbed out like that?"

Me: " Oh she has a hilarious secret!" (I whisper it in her ear. She laughs.)

Grams: "Oh my, that's wonderful!"

Prue: (Whiny voice) "What?"

Grams&me: "_Nothing_!"

Shax: "I know what it is." (Prue starts choking him.)

Prue: "Tell me!" (Shax gags then Grams uses her power to throw Prue into the wall. She passes out, _finally_.)

Shax: "Thanks, I tried hitting her with a energyball earlier but it did nothing."

Me: "Well if I know Prue, and I think I do, she'll be up and talking in 20 minutes. Whatever, look I gotta go over some notes real fast so you two go talk amongst yourselves. While I do that, the rest of you crazed people get to continue the story."

(Phoebe's in her office with Cole. He's _actually_ working. No, I'm serious, he's typing up Phoebe's column! She's on the couch, looking like she's in deep thought when she's probably deciding which outfit she's gonna wear tomorrow.)

Cole: "Phoebe, how do you spell psycho?"

Phoebe: "It's on the spell check."

Cole: "Thanks, Okay in one word describe yourself."

Phoebe: "Right now, agitated because someone won't shut up!"

Cole: (Whispering as he types.) "Morbidly psychotic."

Phoebe: "Cole what are you doing?"

Cole: "One of your readers wanted to know more about you."

Phoebe: "So you put 'morbidly psychotic'? No, I'm: Sweet, funny, smart, have a good sense of humor, and care about everyone."

Cole: (Talking while typing.) "Translated to; Mean, dull, stupid as shit, have a twisted sense of humor, and want to rape your dog. (He prints out the copy. Phoebe tries to stop him as he takes it to Elise. She takes it and walks off.

Phoebe: (In a high-pitched voice.) "Why'd you do that? I could lose my job because of that smart-ass remark." (She starts to leave and Cole follows her.)

Cole: "Wait, if you just hear me out you'll like my idea." (Phoebe stops and turns around. She crosses her arms.)

Phoebe: "I'm listening,"

Cole: "Okay, I know that your sick of being a Charmed One since Prue died, Am I right?" (Phoebe nods.) "Right, so I figure I use some of the powers I collected from the Demon Wasteland to gain control of the Underworld…again."

Phoebe: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say." (She keeps walking. Cole keeps following her.)

Cole: "Actually it's probably the smartest. You see, if we're evil that means no personal gain. Besides that, you can get rid of the Elders and use the Grimiore to bring back Prue with the Resurrection Spell." (Phoebe stopped walking and spoke up without turning around.)

Phoebe: "Could I bring mom and Gram's back too?"

Cole: "Of course!"

Phoebe: (She turns around) "What about Piper and Paige?"

Cole: "What about them? When they see what you can do with Dark Magic they'll accept it. What do you say? Rule by my side as my queen, or suffer fighting evil for the rest of your life?"

Phoebe: "I don't know, I have to think about it. It's tempting but I just don't know." (She walks off leaving Cole standing there.)

Me: "Ooh, that's a good place to stop, right guys?" (Prue sadly woke up.)

Prue: "I think so. What about you guys? Guys?" (We look over in the corner and Grams and Shax are _making out_!) "Ahhhhhhhh!" (they stop.)

Grams: "And that's how you give CPR to a dead person." (They both sit down nervously.)

Shax: "Very interesting. What are you two looking at? Get on with the story!" (Prue's and mine's mouths are hanging open.)

Me: "We-finished-it-already…"

Prue: "I think I need to go call my therapist." (She gets up and walks away. Still in shock.)

Ugh, creepy. Ok end of chapter 3. This one had minimal stalling! I think I'm getting the hang of this thing! Ok R&R or Suffer. (There now alwxywill22 can't say I stole from her!) I'm open to suggestions regarding chap 4. Like what should Paige's secret is. Or will Phoebe choose the Dark Side? Not Star Wars. In the words of Yoda; R&R you must, or Kung Fu I will go on yo ass! Peace!


	4. I now what you did last Tuesday, and the...

Before I get started I would like to rant. People, if you're going to write a story, please for the love of Buddha FINISH IT! I don't like reading a story up to chapter five and right when it gets to the good part they just stop writing it all together! Dammit, I deserve to read a full story about Dan being gay and trying to kill Piper to get to Leo! You know who you are so don't be so inconsiderate! (Cough) kmcequinox (Cough) Jerk (Cough) I'm done ranting now.

Chapter 4, whoo hoo! Alexywill22- I now you're a guy but I was talking when I wrote it so it came out 'her', sorry, anyway I left that cliffhanger cuz I needed a good place to stop and it was convenient. I'm going to use your idea once again, either Jack or Barbas, they're both good! Nice to know you got the Futurama thing- no one else did.

S2C- thanks for the review. Wait a minute; Alexywill22 did u say u like Cole? Oh well that's fine, I like him too! BuffySummers- Thank you very much, hmm weapons of mass destruction, very, very interesting. Whahahaha…ha!

Disclaimer: I see no point of doing it, but apparently it's required so… here you go you cheeky monkeys: I love saying that!

Prue: Nicole…

Shax: Does not own…

Grams: Charmed or anything else.

Me: "Another stupid disclaimer. Oh and you know what I discovered? I can freeze Prue! It only last a couple seconds but it's the best couple seconds of my life. Okay who would like to do the recap?" (I look around and nobody volunteers.) "C'mon people, don't make me choose, you won't like it." (Still no one.) "Okay bring out the darts and the blindfold!"

Shax: (High-pitched voice) "Wait, I-I'll do it!"

Me: "Good, so get on with it then."

Shax: "All right, uh, Chris told Freebie (the whore formally known as 'Phoebe') he wasn't her nephew in the hopes that he could get laid, no such luck. Not much from Paige. Um, Leo and Piper had make-up sex, but Leo ruined it as usual, by talking. Hee, hee, There was an uncomfortable moment between Leo and Chris then Chris said "Don't worry, I'll take care of her." Finally Cole offered Freebie a chance to be evil again. Is that it, did I get everything?" (I nod)

Grams: "Now that that's all said in done I'd like to make a request."

Me: "Shoot,"

Grams: "Okay," (She pulls out a 45 caliber and shoots Prue, she explodes like the robot from Terminator, then heals.) I'd like to bring out a surprise guest a little later."

Prue: "I'm not even going…" (I freeze her… 10 seconds later.) …to guess this one."

Shax: "Will you tell me sweetie?" (He makes all kinds of lovey-dovey gestures.)

Grams: "Sorry, sweetie-weetie-poo." (They kiss.)

Me: "Seriously guys, there are children present!" (I cover Prue's eyes.) "You know what? Skip the chatter and get on with the story."

Chapter 4: I know what you did last Tuesday and the day before that, and the day before _that_! Dedicated entirely to the Pale One. (Paige)

(Paige pulled the neck of her big, yet stylish, peach trench coat closer to her face. She knocked on a big metal door and a window slid open. A guy looked through it.)

Guy: (In a deep voice) "Name?"

Paige: (Whispers) "Milk-Shake,"

Guy: "Password?"

Paige: (Whispering yet singing) "Oh won't you take me to, Funky Town, Oh won't you take me to Funky Town!"

Guy: (Chuckles and opens the door.) "I love how you sing that Milk-Shake!" (Paige walks in a looks at the guy, I think, he's wearing a sequin green dress and a blonde wig.)

Paige: "Hey, Little Debbie." (Stupid name because this guy was _huge_!)

(They both walk in to a dark room and you hear a lot of whispering.)

Paige: "Why is it always so dark in here?" (Paige flips on the light and reveals 15 guys in drag, and another lady, which doesn't make sense but whatever.)

Person: "Because the electrician is too afraid to come back."

Paige: "Cher, how's it going?" (Paige sits next to him/her.)

Cher: "Oh my wife found out that I really _don't _go bowling on Tuesday's, so she packed up the kids and headed to her mother's."

Person: "Well that's her loss."

Little Debbie: "I agree with Strawberry Shortcake."

Paige: "Alright let's get down to business. We have to talk about our next community service act. Our last one didn't turn out so well."

Blueberry Muffins: "Well how were supposed to know that the Senior Citizen's Center didn't like Drag Queens? I didn't mean to give that old guy a heart attack."

Michael Jackson: (Fake one. Pats him/her on the back.) "We know,"

Paige: "Yes it was a sad day for Drag Queens and woman Drag Queens alike, so this time we'll head out to the Annual GirlScout Jamboree." (Everyone nods.) "Right, it looks like we have a new member," (The lady stands up.)

Lady: " Hi, I'm Amy, I'm a gay that wants to be a Drag Queen."

Everybody: "Hi Amy,"

Paige: "Amy is your outside name. You have to have a Drag name. Now to figure this out you're supposed to take the name of your first pet as your first name and the name of the street you lived on as a kid for your last. Of course Mr. Nibbles Burma didn't appeal to me, so pick whatever you like."

Cupcake: "Well she's skinny, are you flexible?" (Amy nods.) "How about Twizzlers?"

Everybody: "Twizzlers,"

Amy: "Alright, I'm now Twizzlers." (She sits down proudly.)

Paige: "Great, whoo, it's hot in here." (She takes off her coat and she's wearing a blue sequin dress, her legs are really hairy along with her armpits, and she stuffed 'down there'. Gross.) "Okay everybody stand up and recite the official Drag's Anonymous Pledge." (Everybody stands up.)

Everybody: "Milk, milk," (Point to chest) "Lemonade," (Point to their area.) "Round the corner fudge is made." (Point to their ass.)

Paige: "Amen, now Devil's food cake, will you go over the moments of the last meeting?" (She turns to a dark skinned man. Wait who is that? (I rub my eyes) I-is that, Daryl! He's wearing a pink tank top with a denim mini skirt. He has his legs shaved and he's wearing a black wig, and is that- I think it is… a thong.)

Daryl: "Right, well last week we decided that mascot would be changed from a platypus," (giggles.) "Hee hee, pus. Our new mascot is a giant tampon."

Everyone: "Yayyyy!"

"Me: "Well people said they wanted to know Paige's secret."

"Prue: "Gross, That's almost worse than Shax and Prue making out."

Shax: "Bite me,"

Prue: "I will. (She's about to bite him when I freeze her.)

Grams: "Thank you, when she… (Prue unfreezes.) Unfreezes… Can we bring out our guest now?"

Prue: (Wining) "But I want to bite him!"

Me: "No, then we would have to put you down. Of course you'd probably find a way back from that too."

Grams: "I'm bringing him out."

Me: "Then do it!"

Grams: "Okay, Come on out, Jack Sheridan!" (Jack walks out and sits next to Prue.)

Prue: (Muttering) "Oh no,"

Jack: "Hey Prue, I'm baackk!" (Puts his arm around her but she shakes it off.)

Prue: "No shit! Grams why did you do this?"

Grams: "Because I knew if I brought Andy back you'd be happy, and nobody wants that."

Prue: (Thinking) _Bitch, _(Talking sarcastically.) "Gee thanks,"

Shax: (Wining,) "Well if Penny gets a guest I get one too!"

Me: "Fine, Geez it's like taking care of a bunch a babies!"

Shax: (claps his hands.) "Oh Barbas!" (We hear and see lightning. Where'd that come from? Oh well, Barbas walks out, smiling, and sits next to Shax.)

Prue: "Noooooo!" (Hides behind me. I roll my eyes.)

Me: "Welcome to the group Jack and Barbas. You'll find that we are all very dysfunctional. Some in more ways than one." (I look at Prue, who obviously didn't get that I just insulted her.)

Both: "Thanks,"

Prue: "Well I want a guest too!" (She runs behind the curtain and comes back with a chicken. She sets it down then sits down.)

Grams: "You've _got _to be kidding me. Who's this?"

Prue: "It's the KFC mascot."

Shax: "What it is, is lunch." (He licks his lips and starts chasing it around. Prue chases him.)

Barbas: (He waves his hand.) "The chicken's greatest fear is that Prue will keep it as a pet and do unimaginable things to it."

Shax: "He won't have to worry about that." (He throws an energyball at it and it turns into a complete chicken dinner complete with biscuits.)

Prue: "Whyyyyyyy!" (She starts crying, then stops.) "Ooh, are those mashed potatoes?" (Everyone starts eating happily.)

Jack: "Hey Prue, what do ya say we get outta here and get a room?"

Prue: (She's eating like a pig. In between bites.)

"Jack, you may or may not have noticed, but you have the teeth of a rabbit, the body of a cow, and you have big feet. I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last of my species."

Everyone: (Except Prue and Jack.) "Burn!"

Jack: "You mean dog?"

Everyone: (Except Jack and Prue.) "Burn!"

Barbas: "Who wants to play a fun game? Here's how it's played, I check your greatest fear, then try to kill you with it."

Jack: "Ah, no thanks."

Barbas: "Nonsense, in fact you'll be the first player." (He waves his hand.) "You greatest fear is that Prue will find out that you are a virgin."

Jack: (Nervous,) "What, the hell are you talking about? I-I've done it with plenty of women." (He starts to wither away.) "Quick, somebody kiss me or I'll die!" (Nobody does, Barbas coughs.)

Prue: "All right fine, I'll do it!" (She kisses him and he regains his composure.)

Jack: "Wow, it's like kissing an angel."

Me: "Would you believe one of Satan's minions?"

Barbas: "I wanted him to die you idiot! Fine, lets do Shax next."

Shax: "Okay but you ain't gonna find anything." (Barbas waves his hand.)

Barbas: "Your greatest fear is that people will know you were once the lead role in the play CATS. Wait, that's it? _That's _your greatest fear? Man you're sad."

Shax: "Noooooo!" (Shax blows up.)

Grams: "Noooooo!"

Me: "Noooooo!"

Grams: "He was my boyfriend!"

Me: "He was my favorite guest!"

Grams: "I don't like this game."

Barbas: (Laughs) "Too late, let's do Prue now."

Me: "Eww, let's not and say we did."

Grams: "Too much work, Let's kill her, hide her body in the dumpster and _say_ we did it with her." (Everyone looks at her oddly.) "Or we can do it your way."

Barbas: (Shakes his head then waves his hand.) "Prue, you're greatest fear is Piper finding out that you slept with Leo, and Freebie finding out you slept with Cole." (Cough) "Slut," (Cough) "Whore" (Cough) "Meet me in my room after the show." (Cough)

Grams: "Barbas I think you're coming down with something."

Me: (I roll my eyes.) "Wait, how come she didn't die?"

Grams: "You can't kill a dead woman. Or undead."

Prue: "Then how come Shax died?"

Barbas: "He was a demon. Totally different story, now let's try Nicole."

Me: "No really, that's not necessary."

Barbas: (Waves his hand.) "You greatest fear is that Alexywill22 will find out that you slept with Cole before he did."

Me: "Noooooo!" (Nothing happens.) "Well, I guess it wasn't as important as I thought."

Barbas: "Does anyone around here have any worthwhile fears? Ugh, now Penny." (He waves his hand.) "Oh, here's a good one. Your biggest fear is that everyone will find out that your pregnant…. With Shax's child."

(Everyone gasps; you hear that really annoying organ music like in soap operas, kinda like _Bmmmmmm_, that's it.)

Prue: (Shocked.) "Grams!"

Me: (Surprised) "Grams!"

(For some reason there is a lot of random clapping and whistles.)

Barbas: "Do you ever get the feeling that we're being watched?"

(They all look wide-eyed off into space where they think someone would be watching them. Like they do on TV. Ah, the idiot box, it had more of a hand in raising us than our own parents did. (Singing) "Swing low, sweet chariot, something come and carry me home!")

Rigggghhhtt! Okay people, this is the end of chapter 4, I may not be able to get you chapter 5 for a while because my computer at my house doesn't have Microsoft word. I'm doing this at school. So I hope you liked it, ah, next chapter we will have a memorial service for our lost hosts, CK and now Shax. Damn you Barbas! If I offended any of you with the whole Drag Queen situation, I'm sorry that's just the way it is take it up with the Board of Commissions. No don't do that!

Okay R&R or face the wrath of the Flesh-eating Oompa Loompa's! Peace!


	5. the nameless chapter

Today is an historic marker for me, mainly because this is chapter 5 of a story I thought wouldn't make it past 2. So thanks alexywill22 for the review, great idea.

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed, the image for Charmed, or anything related to Charmed. Except Cole, Cole I _do _own…_not_, ha, wait that's not funny!

Me: "Lookie here Prue, chapter 5. What do ya think?"

Grams: "She doesn't," (Prue sticks her tongue out.)

Prue: "Shut up you 70 year old whore. Eww, it's nasty even _saying _it." (Shudders.) "Well, so far so good, at least now I don't have Shax slapping me around."

Barbas: "Right, now you have me to slap you around." (He slaps her then laughs.)

Me: "I miss Shax, I also miss the Crypt Keeper, he was barely around for 3 paragraphs before Prue killed him so in honor of them we'll be doing a memorial soon."

Grams: "But I don't have anything to wear. This baby is growing so fast that I'm stuck in maternity clothes." (She looks at least 5 months pregnant.)

Barbas: "Oh please, you were wearing maternity clothes _before _you got pregnant!"

Me: "Oh dis! Wait, I have a feeling I'm forgetting something…"

Prue: "More like someone." (She points over her shoulder to Jack, who is twiddling his thumbs.) "Why didn't I kill him when I had a chance?" (Jack walks over to her.)

Jack: "Did you just say 'why didn't I do him when I had the chance?' that's what I heard."

Prue: "No, I'd sleep with Barbas before I slept with you, and I'd have to be _extremely _blazed and drunk to do that, what does that tell you?"

Jack: "That you're playing hard to get."

Barbas: "That or she has a drug problem."

Grams: "We all new that."

Prue: "_One _time Grams! _One _time!"(Everyone starts talking at once.)

Me: "Shut-the-fruit-up!" (Everyone gets quiet.) "I still feel like I'm forgetting something…" (I scratch my head.) "Oh right, the recap, who wants to do it?" (Cricket chirps, tumbleweed blows by, someone coughs.) "No takers? Fine I'll do it. Okay last chapter we found out that Paige was a Drag Queen although we kinda figured, right? Daryl also turned out to be one too. Didn't see that comin, ah, that's basically it story wise. We brought out Jack and Barbas. Grams got pregnant, Shax turned out too be the dad but he didn't live to see the next day because of Barbas's stupid game, and I have a strange obsession for Cole, but who doesn't? And now it's time for chapter 5."

Chapter 5: "The nameless chapter."

(Phoebe was pacing around in her room. She was literally running a hole into the ground; you could look down and see the conservatory.)

Phoebe: "If I agreed to marry Cole again then it would just be a relapse, but on the other hand I could bring back mom and Grams and maybe Prue, I sorta miss her."

(Prue: "Yes!" (I roll my eyes.))

(Someone knocks on the door Piper walks in.)

Piper: "Hey Phoebes, is your imaginary friend back, I heard you talking to yourself." (She looks around then sits on the bed.)

Phoebe: "No, strangely I haven't seen her since you got that Witch Doctor over here. Are you sure he was just here for tea?"

Piper: "Positive, now what's on your mind Phoebe?" (Thinking) _Whoa, never thought I'd use Phoebe's name in a sentence like that._

Phoebe: "What if you had to make a life-altering decision and…" (Piper interrupted her.)

Piper: "You're not dyeing your hair blonde again are you?"

Phoebe: "Piper I'm serious."

Piper: "So am I."

Phoebe: (Rolls her eyes.) "No I'm not going blonde again, but I really need your help. Let's say if I did this I would have the power to bring mom and Grams back, maybe even Prue, should I do it?"

Piper: "By all means yes, if you can bring them back."

Phoebe: "But what if it means doing something bad?"

Piper: "Would it mean hurting innocents?"

Phoebe: "I'm not sure."

Piper: "Phoebes, we all know I'm not the best person in the world to get advice from, but I'm gonna tell you something that Leo told me all the time…" (She starts crying.) "F-follow y-your heart! Leo!" (She runs outta the room crying.)

Phoebe: "Poor Piper, but that still doesn't help me. Oh shit I forgot about meeting Chris tonight." (She looks up at the clock and sees that it's only 8pm, two hours till she's supposed to see him.)

Prue: "Why was Piper crying?"

Me: (Wiping tears away.) "Because she misses him. They were the perfect couple except for the fact the Leo is fruity and Piper cheated on him."

Grams: (Folds her arms.) "Oh yea, other than that they were _perfect_."

Barbas: "What's up with these mood swings. First you were happy, then you were angry…" (Prue cuts him off.)

Prue: "Then she was Sneezy, Dopey, and Sleepy…yea, yea we all know the Seven Dwarfs."

Me: "That's not what we were getting at dumb ass. Now can we please have our memorial service now?" (Everyone nods.) "Okay," (I clear my throat.) "Today is a day for remembrance… ah screw it, roll the clip!" (You see all that fog, like the kind in crappy flashbacks.)

Me: "What did you think CK? CK?"

CK: "CK? Who the fuck is CK?"

Me: "Well you are, you can't expect me to say Crypt Keeper every time I want your attention."

Me: "Shax, how's it goin'?"

Shax: "Those darn Charmed Ones vanquished me."

Me: "They're a pain in the ass aren't they?" (Shax nods.)

Me: "Come on, if something doesn't happen in the next 10 seconds I'm gonna get bad reviews!"

Shax: "I'll handle it." (They start fighting.)

(End clip)

Me: (Crying) "I miss them!"

Grams: (Crying) "Me too!"

Barbas: "Me three!"

Prue: (Crying) "I lost my stash!"

Jack: "Whoops, I thought it was Oregano, no wonder it tasted funny." (Everyone stops crying and is looking at Prue who is shaking with rage. You literally see her face turn bright red and steam come out of her ears.)

Me: "Whoa, cool effects." (You hear the steam start to whistle like with a teapot then suddenly Prue's head explodes. Coving all of us in, well mainly blood since she didn't have a brain.)

Grams: "Yes!"

Jack: "No, I'm sorry Prue!" (He picks up her headless body and cries. He stops and smiles.) "I'll be right back." (He walks off stage with Prue's body.)

Me: "Poor Prue, she suffered in life and death. Moment of silence please." (3 seconds later.)

Grams: "Wow, this calls for a song!

Everybody: "Ding dong the witch is dead…

Me: Which old witch?"

Barbas: "The wicked witch!"

Everybody: "Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!" (All kinds of Munchkins come out and start dancing.)

Barbas: (Stops singing) "What the hell are we doing?"

Me: (Dancing with a Munchkin.) "Dancing!"

Barbas: (Starts throwing energy balls at the Munchkins. They're screaming and trying to get away, some of them are blowing up. All's quiet.)

Grams: (Muttering) "The Munchkin Massacre of 2005."

(Suddenly lightning flashes and hits one of the chairs next to me. I jump into the next one. In the lightning appears Patty.)

Grams: "Patty?"

Me: "Patty?"

Patty: "That's right, I know that you're pregnant mother, you scank, how could you sleep with a demon? Are you _trying _to imitate Phoebe?"

Grams: "You're not in charge of my life. I can do whatever I want!"

Patty: "Not if it involves you getting pregnant! The Elders aren't going to allow you to take a baby 'up there', it's half demon."

Grams: "I didn't expect you to understand. You don't know what love is."

Patty: "Excuse me? I was married for 10 years, you only knew Shax for a day!"

Grams: "You don't know me!"

Me: "Okay, I'm gonna stop you two right there. This isn't _Days of out Lives_, thank god, so can we talk this over like normal adults?"

Barbas: "No one wants that, they want fighting, killing even!"

Patty&Grams: "Shut up!"

Me: "You know what? Fine, you guys fight, whatever, kill each other, don't… I don't care anymore; no one listens to me anymore! And to think, I made us matching 'I heart Holly' shirts." (I take my jacket off and it says 'I heart Holly' on the front, and 'She is God' on the back.) (There ejuerreo23, call me an imposter, you little bitch…)

Patty: "Ooh, can I have one?"

Me: "Alyssa, Rose, Holly, or Shannen?"

Patty: "All four," (I hand her them.)

Grams: "Can I have a Holly and Alyssa?" (I hand her them.)

Barbas: "Hey, where'd Jack run off to?" (Jack walks in, smiling, I bet you think you know what he did, don't you. Sick pervs!)

Jack: "She's alive! She's _alive_!" (Prue walks in with stitches all around her neck.)

Prue: "Mommy!" (She runs up and hugs her. Patty pulls away and slaps her.)

Patty: "Prue, what did I tell you about those tattoos?" (Referring to her neck.)

Prue: Mom, it's not a tattoo, it's what's holding my neck on. Jack saved me."

Jack: "I also put part of my brain in her head so she loves me, right sweetie?"

Prue: "Not on your life."

Me: "Is it just me or should we be working on the story?"

Patty: "You're doing a story?"

Prue: "Yea, and it's not half bad, let's watch."

(Phoebe looked at her watch, 2 till ten. She sat on the curb out side the Manor and waited for Chris. Three minutes later Chris orbed next to her.)

Phoebe: "You're late."

Chris: "By one minute, so sue me."

Phoebe: "Could we hurry this along? I have business to attend to."

Chris: "Okay, you wanted to know why I was so wrapped up in trying to protect Wyatt?" (Phoebe nodded.) "Well it's because…" (Chris was about to give her a reason, and it was a good reason, I swear, but Piper came flying out the front door with a frying pan.)

Piper: "Chris, you Fruit-of-the-Loom little bitch!"

Chris: (Pretending to be stupid.) "What did I do!" (She hits him on the head with the pan. It makes a hollow sound. Hint hint.)

Piper: "Don't play stupid with me, you screwed up my husband. Pun intended. Now you're gonna pay!"

Chris: (Rubbing his head.) "Ow, the pan wasn't enough for ya!"

Phoebe: "Piper can this wait, please?"

Piper: "No! It's his fault Leo's the way he is!"

Chris: "No it's not! He was with another dude before me."

Piper and Phoebe: "What!"

Chris: "Yea his name was somethin like… (Scratches his head. He realizes that was stupid cuz he had a bruise there.) " Randy Treadeu or something."

Piper: "Andy? Leo slept with ANDY!"

Prue: "Whoa! Hell no!"

Patty: (Starts to laugh.) "I knew he was open to the idea of you being a witch. The only problem was that you weren't a guy!"

Prue: (Starts to cry a little, then stops.) "Nicole, you get Andy over here NOW!"

(Prue looks really mad. Jack looks really jealous, Patty looks really happy, Penny looks really fat, Barbas fell asleep sometime back, and I'm just rollin with it.)

Me: "Fine, Ah, Andy I summon…thee." (Mumbling) "How sad," (Andy appears, he's clearly confused.)

Andy: "What am I doing here? Better question, where _is _here?"

Me: "Ah you're at some old missile base in New Mexico, we couldn't afford to rent a studio, and Prue wants to talk to you."

Andy: "Oh crap," (Sees a very angry Prue.) "Ah , Prue, hi, fancy seeing you here huh?"

Prue: "Andy what was the real reason you didn't want to be with me?"

Andy: "I-I wanted a normal non-magic family and you were, well magic."

Prue: "Uh uuh, try again."

Andy: (Getting really nervous.) "Uh… commitment issues?"

Me: "Ooh, wrong answer."

Andy: "I don't know, what would you like me to say?"

Prue: "That you're gay!"

Andy: "You want me to say that I'm gay?"

Prue: "I don't want you to be, but you slept with Leo."

Andy: "Huh? Oh that! No we were both really drunk. I'm talking 'not being able to see Shannen Doherty's lazy eye' drunk!"

Patty: "Yea you'd have to be pretty drunk not to see that."

Andy: "Anyway, I thought he was you and he thought I was Piper."

Prue: "Oh,"

Andy: (mumbling) "I can't believe she bought that!"

Jack: "You are too gay! You have no idea what you gave up!"

Me: "_You _don't even know."

"Enough! People came to read a story and that's hat they're gonna get."

(Piper and Phoebe and Chris are sitting on the curb.)

Piper: "So you love him huh?"

Chris: "Yea, he has a way of making you love him."

Piper: "Yep, well I hope you two are happy together."

Phoebe: "That's it. What about how you were saying that you were going to shove bottle rockets up his ass and throw him in a lobster tank, then hand him upside down by his toes?"

Piper: "I thought about it, and I realized that Leo was clearly meant to be with Chris."

Chris: "I'm so glad you are okay with it."

Phoebe: "I'm not! And I still don't know why you are so caught up in trying to protect Wyatt!"

(Chris and Piper exchange a sideways glance.)

Phoebe: "Omigod is Chris…"

Piper: "No!"

Chris: "Okay this isn't easy for me to say, but Wyatt is… my half brother."

Phoebe: "What!"

Prue: "What!"

Grams: "Shut up!"

Chris: "Yea, we have the same dad."

Phoebe: "Well then who is the father?"

Piper: "Gideon."

Phoebe: "What? We didn't even know Gideon when you had Wyatt!"

Piper: "Wrong, _you _didn't know Gideon; I met him at an AA meeting."

Phoebe: "But you don't have a drinking problem!"

Piper: "Not anymore, but yea I met him there and we hit it off and the next thing I know I'm pregnant."

Chris: "That's disgusting."

Phoebe: "Yea it is… Well now that I know I have to go deal with some other stuff. Wait, Chris you said you weren't my nephew."

Chris: "I just wanted to see if you'd sleep with me. Technically you're not my aunt."

Phoebe: "Right, okay I have to go then." (Walks off into the night.)

Piper: "How long do you think it'll take her to realize she needs her car?"

Chris: "I say 2 ½ blocks."

Piper: "1,"

Prue: "Is that it?"

Me: "For now, I'm too tired, besides people do shorter chapters where nothing happens."

Patty: "She has a point."

Barbs: "Hey who's this guy?" (Referring to Andy.)

Grams: "Prue's ex,"

Barbas: "Fun, bet you're happy bout that huh Jack?"

Jack: (Sarcastically,) "Thrilled." (Suddenly Gram's water breaks, and she's conveniently standing next to Jack and Prue.)

Prue: "Oh god!"

Patty: "That was a fast pregnancy."

Barbas: "I think I just discovered my greatest fear!"

Me: "What, standing in baby juice?"

Barbas: "No, I'm about to witness a grandmother gives birth."

Jack: "I see why you'd be afraid of that."

(Grams is screaming all kinds… we'll just skip past the dirty work…(Fastforward.)

(Grams is holding her baby, everybody's crowded around her.)

Me: "Wow, it's amazing how a tiny baby can bring people together." (Everyone's all smiling.)

Jack: "Yea just don't start breastfeeding it while I'm in here." (Prue slaps him.)

Prue: "That goes double for me." (Everyone nods.)

Andy: "So, is it a boy or a girl?"

Grams: "It's a…"

Okay I'm gonna stop there- sorry people I'm really tired and I'm working on four other stories, please tell me whether or not the baby should be a boy or girl- names help 2! So now review and I'm gonna go to sleep…. Ya know what I've had stuck in my head for the past week? Bender (Futurama) saying "Bite my shiny metal ass!" it just won't go away! REVIEW ! 


	6. Piper and Freebie's day to shine!

Sorry it took so long to update, I'm working on 5 other stories right now.

Halli-Halliwell- Thanxs

BuffySummers- Thanxs, I may use your idea.

Alexywill22-Thanxs and I told you I was gonna use the t-shirt idea, it was good, and I knew if I did that thing with Jack that would've been crossing the line. You'll find out why Piper was so calm in this chapter, you always have great ideas!

Soul2Cole- Thank you

Anyone else I forgot to thank, thank you, I'm trying to update ASAP but I'm doing other stories right now and it's kinda hard.

This chapter will mainly focus on Phoebe and Piper.

Disclaimer: EVERY-SINGLE-CHAPTER! I hate these things, I do not own Charmed or anything that could get me sued. I bet no one even reads these.

Me: "So Grams, did you figure out a name for your little girl?"

Grams: "Yes, I named her, Apple Coco Halliwell."

Patty: "Why in god's name would you call her that!"

Prue: "Yea and what happened to the 'P' rule?"

Grams: "Well, I named her Apple after Gweneth Paltrow's baby and Coco after Courtney Cox's baby."

Jack: "What about that 'P' thing?"

Grams: "I'm sick of that stupid rule; besides, there aren't any 'P' names left."

Barbas: (Whispering to Patty.) "I think there's a few screws in her head that are loose." (Patty nods.)

Prue: "Well nobody really cares so can we got on with the story?"

Me: Fine, we're gonna skip the recap, if you don't know what's been goin' on then you shouldn't be reading this anyway."

Chapter 6- Piper and Freebie's chapter.

(Piper's in the kitchen mixing something and humming.)

Piper: "Add some, Murdock Root, some Beetle toe." (As she did this the potion exploded a little.) "Whoa, okay vanquishing potion's done." (She bottles it and chuckles.)  
"Take _my _husband, will you Chris? Now you're gonna pay." (She laughs again then walks out of the kitchen.)

Meanwhile…

(Freebie and Cole are in her office.)

Cole: "Are you _positive _that you want to do this? Once you do there's no turning back."

Phoebe: "Yes Cole you've explained it to me a million times. This isn't my first time being the Queen of the Underworld ya know."

Cole: "Right, well the first thing we have to do is take out anyone that gets in our way."

Phoebe: So that would be the whole Underworld? You weren't exactly their favorite Source."

Cole: "Shut up,"

Phoebe: "Okay," (Phoebe takes his hand and they shimmer out.)

Meanwhile…

(Chris is mixing something.)

Chris: "Next up we add some Eye of Newt then we're gonna kick it up a notch by throwing in some Bloodwart." (He throws it in the pot in a lame attempt to copy Emeril.) "_Bam_!" (He laughs then bottles the green liquid.) "Poor stupid Piper, never saw it comin." (He laughs then walks out of the room, but not before taking off his pink apron.)

Meanwhile… (Gettin sick of that, aren't ya?)

(The Underworld- Cole and Phoebe are surrounded by about 50 very angry demons.)

Demon 1: "What are you doing back here Belthazor?"

Demon 2: "He's not Belthazor anymore remember?"

Cole: "I came to take control of the Underworld again."

Demon 3: "What makes you think that we need someone to rule?"

Phoebe: (Trying to be tough- of course she sucks at it.) "Because without rule, you are sloppy, you don't know what you are doing!"

Demon 2: "And we're supposed to take advice from a _Charmed One_?"

Demon 6: "I say we just kill them!" (Everyone starts mumbling to each other.)

Cole: "W-wait, what gives you the right to kill us?"

Demon 7: "Well," (He points to Phoebe.) "She's a Charmed One," (Points to Cole.) "And you betrayed us for her."

Cole: "But you forgot that I was also the Source."

Demon 4: "Yes but the witch turned back and then vanquished you."

(Cole throws a fireball at the demon. She explodes and the remaining demons start throwing fireballs at Phoebe and Cole but he blocks them and kills all but 5 demons.)

Cole: "Anyone else?"

(The survivors mumble to themselves and shake their heads. "No we're good." One says.)

Phoebe: Good, now go announce that the Source is back." (The demons bow then shimmer out.)

Cole: "Now that we're rulers again, what would you like to do?"

Phoebe: (Thinks for a minute.) "Hmm… redecorate the lair!"

Cole: "What!"

Phoebe: "Yea, I'm thinking something in a Cotton candy pink, and maybe get a couple windows. Ooh and those fuzzy pillows, I love those things!"

Cole: (Shakes his head.) "Fine, just no beanbag chairs." (Phoebe pouts.) "Alright, you can have _one _beanbag chair."

Prue: "Riiiggghhhttt,"

Me: "Yea,"

Grams: "Oh look, Apple just spit up all over Barbas!" (Everyone laughs.)

Barbas: (Sarcastically.) "Very funny, do you have _any _idea how much it's gonna cost to get this dry-cleaned!"

Patty: "I didn't know demons cared about dry-cleaning."

Jack: "Well there's a lot you don't know about us-I-I mean them." (His eyes shift back and forth.)

Andy: "You did that on purpose you moron!"

Jack: "Na ah!"

Andy: "Ya huh!"

Jack: "Na uh!"

Andy: "Na uh!"

Jack: "Ya huh! Oh damn!"

Andy: "Ha!"

Grams: "Will you two shut up! You're grown men!"

Me: "Thank you! Does anyone else think that we should replace someone?"

(Everyone nods.) "But who?"

Prue: "Oh, I know! Let's take a vote, like on Survivor!"

Andy: "That just may be the smartest thing I've ever heard you say! And so you don't vote me off, here's this;" (He kisses her.)

Prue: "Uh, wow."

Jack: (Angry.) "Alrighty then, let's get down to business."

A few minutes later…

(The set looks like the one from Survivor. Ya know, with the Tiki torches.)

(Prue walks up to the booth, writes something, puts the paper in the jar..)

Prue: "It was a tough decision but, I picked Jack." (She sits down.)

(Andy walks up and does the same thing, and then he goes and sits down.)

(I walk up and write something down. I hold up the paper.)

Me: "Jack, he's so annoying." (I put the paper in the jar and sit down.)

(Jack writes something then sets it in the jar.)

Jack: "I voted for me of course. Why wouldn't I? We're trying to stay in."

(Everyone else votes.)

Me: "Okay," (Pull out a paper from the jar.) "One for Jack," (He smiles and nods.)

"One for Grams,"

Grams: "What? I'll kill whoever voted for me!"

Me: "Two for Jack, three for Jack, one for Patty, and four for Jack."

Jack: "Yes!" I'm stayin in! Whoo hoo!"

Andy: "What are you talking about? You got the most votes."

Jack: "Exactly! The point was to get th…Oh crap!"

Me: "Sorry Jack, the tribe has spoken."

Jack: "Wait, that's not fair! I voted for myself!" (Some Oompa Loompas come out and escort Jack away.)

Oompa Loompas: (Singing)

"Oompa Loompa doopity doo,

we've got a puzzle for you.

What do you get when you're name is Jack?

You're dumber than a sack of…"

Me: "Alright that's enough, geez those things will cuss like crazy if you let em."

(Back in the Underworld)

(Phoebe's talking to some mover-minion guys.)

Phoebe: "I want some fuzzy carpet all over."

Mover 1: "Yes my Queen."

Phoebe: "Good, now I want some more lights. It's too dark in here."

Mover 2: "Yes my Queen."

Phoebe: "Is that all you two can say?"

Mover 2: "No my Queen."

Phoebe: "Well it is now, got it?"

Mover 1: "Yes my Queen."

(Phoebe giggles, just then Cole walks in.)

Cole: "Phoebe, what the _hell _did you do to my lair!"

Phoebe: "You mean _our _lair, I just redecorated." (The room is all pink and fuzzy, and it's so bright and there's stuffed animals everywhere. It looks like a 10 year olds bedroom, minus the Justin Timberlake posters. Oh wait there's one, over the pink fuzzy heart-shaped bed, yuck.)

Cole: (Looking at the Mover-minions.) "You two, leave!"

Mover 2: (Hesitates, Phoebe gives him a look.) "Y-yes my Queen." (They bow then shimmer out.)

Cole: (Looking very confused and a little wounded turns to Phoebe.) "Why'd he say that?"

Phoebe: (Giggles.) "Never mind, so hey, I want you to get me some things."

Cole: "What?"

Phoebe: "Oh some grenades, a bazooka, an atom bomb, you know your basic weapons of Mass Destruction."

Cole: "Why do you want those?"

Phoebe: "Because they're awesome, and such a turn-on."

Cole: (Clearly bewildered.) "You think weapons of mass destruction are a turn-on?"

Phoebe: "Oh yea, _huge _turn-on, you get a guy with a nitrogen bomb and I'm all over him."

Cole: "And what am I, chopped liver?"

(Phoebe slaps him lightly on the cheek.)

Phoebe: "Oh honey, you have a different type of weapon of mass destruction."

Cole: "I want you so bad right now." (So they start doing it again. Strangely they're _both _looking at the Justin Timberlake poster.)

Prue: "_That's _Phoebe's fetish? I thought it was something weirder guys with a tiny bald spot."

Me: "That's terrible Prue,"

Prue: "I know,"

Barbas: "forget that, who wants to play a game?"

Grams: "Not another one of your horrible games! I lost Shax because of your last one!"

Barbas: "It's NOT my fault he couldn't conquer his greatest fear."

Andy: "I wanna play a game."

Patty: "No you don't, trust me."

Barbas: "C'mon guys, you can't die from playing this one, promise!"

Prue: (Sighs.) "Fine, we'll play your damn game."

Barbas: "Cool, okay it's called 'Real or Fake?' some one says a person that we all know and we decide if their," (Coughs.) "Special part, is fake or not. I'll go first. Phoebe."

Prue: "Oh totally fake! Okay, Leo."

Patty: "So real, Piper."

Andy: "Please, there's nothing there to be considered fake, real, Cole."

Me: "Oh believe me, it's real alright…"

(Back at the Manor, up in the attic.)

(Piper is standing behind the Book. She's holding the potion.)

Piper: (In a sing-song voice.) "Oh Chris!" (Seconds later Chris orbs in, looking quite chipper, Piper's expression is mimicking his.)

Chris: "Yes?"

Piper: "Oh I just wanted to tell you again that I'm behind you and Leo 100."

Chris: "Nice to know and I'm glad you're so calm. Speaking of which, why are you so calm?" (He slowly pulls out his potion, careful that Piper doesn't see it.)

Piper: "Well I'm just in a general good mood."

Chris: "And why is that?"

Piper: "Because I'm getting rid of some old junk today, ya know, spring cleaning." (She throws the potion.)

Chris: (He throws his potion.) "So am I!"

(Well unfortunately the two were standing so close together that their bodies collided when the potions exploded, causing the two to fuse together. Now they're stuck together, two heads, half of each body, fun.)

(All the smoke subsides. Piper moans in pain, she turns and tries to pull away from Chris but realizes she can't. Chris soon realizes it also.)

Both: "Holy shit!"

TBC…

Great twist huh? I just came up with it this second as I was writing. I'm THAT good! Hope you liked it! So you know the drill!

Cya!


	7. Go Away!

Reviews- only 3, shame on you!

Halli-halliwell- it's nice to know I can help out.

Alex- I'm glad I got rid of Jack- I can't think of anything for Andy to do…oh wait I just had an idea! Well the New York thing was important then I changed it, at first I was gonna have Chris be some crazy stalker that followed her back from there, but the idea I'm working with is fine too! Thanks!

PiperLeoforever72- Me? Perverted? Never! Well I have a sick sense of humor, and I'm gonna have to agree w/ you for the most part; but this last chapter wasn't perverted, well I didn't think so.

Disclaimer- who cares anymore? We all know I don't own Charmed.

Chapter 7- Go Away!

Me: Ha ha, Piper and Chris are stuck together!"

Patty: (Slaps me on the back of the head.) "Don't say that! My poor baby!"

Prue: (Looking very hurt.) "Gee mom, thanks, I guess I don't really matter, huh?"

Grams: "Prue, why do you really think we kept you around as a child?"

(Prue shrugs.)

Patty: "For the taxes, that's it."

Andy: "That's harsh," (He turns back to a table where he and Barbas are playing strip poker, Andy is down to boxers, and well Barbas, has his shirt.)

Me: (Shielding me eyes,) "God, that's disgusting, do you have to do that here?"

Barbas: "Well we tried playing in the storage room, but the Janitor kept giving us weird suggestive looks."

Andy: "And I don't swing that way."

Prue: "That's what _he _said."

Andy: "You're not even saying that right!"

Prue: "That's what _he _said!"

Andy: "That's better, so Barbas, got any six's?"

Barbas: "Go-Fish,"

Patty: "I thought you were playing poker?"

Andy: "Barbas doesn't know how to play."

Me: "How sad, now I think it's time to check up on our favorite dysfunctional family, we'll check on Piper and Chris."

(Piper and Chris are in the kitchen; Piper is digging in the fridge and Chris is trying to pull away.)

Chris: (Whining) "C'mon Piper, I gotta go to the bathroom!"

Piper: "No, I told you as long as we're stuck together neither of us is: bathing, changing, or going to the bathroom."

Chris: "Pipppeeerrr PLEASE!"

Piper: "I don't think it's even physically possible anymore." (yes they're still stuck together.)

Chris: "Fine, make me pass out."

Piper: "How would you pass out?"

Chris: "Like this," (He picks up a frying pan and knocks himself out. Piper chuckles because it takes a couple of hits.)

Piper: "Finally, I though he'd never shut up. Now I can do what I was gonna do." (Piper laughs mischievously.)

In the land down unda… I mean the Underworld.

(Phoebe's throwing grenades into a hole. Cole walks in.)

Cole: "Phoebe stop!" (He throws a fireball at one of her grenades. She turns around.)

Phoebe: "Hey, why'd you do that!'

Cole: "Because that's the Hole of all things Evil."

Phoebe: "Excuse me?"

Cole: "Yea, if you destroy that hole then everything Evil will be good, and everything good would be bad."

Phoebe: "Oh like opposites, so we would breathe water and drink air?"

Cole: "Not exactly, anyway just leave that alone, got it?"

Phoebe: "Fine, I'll just go feed some demons to the three-headed dog."

Cole: "Wait, I got that car battery and jumper cables you wanted, why'd you want them anyway?"

Phoebe: "Nothing, just a little somethin I got from Family Guy." (She picked up the battery and walked away, leaving Cole to just stand there, scratching his slightly bald-from-behind head. He's still hot though!)

Andy: (Who is now being whipped by Barbas.) "What does she need the battery for?"

Me: Well you remember in "Charmed Together" When the Elder said he watched them as porn, then he turned to Phoebe and said; "But it got disturbing, very disturbing."

Prue: "Yea what about it?"

Me: "Well there's your answer."

Barbas: "That's nasty,"

Grams: "Not as nasty as you whipping Andy, Nicole can you please trade one of them please?"

Me: "But Andy hasn't had a chance to do anything yet; and Barbas is…well Barbas."

Patty: "Mother, where's Apple?"

Grams: (looks around.) "Hmm, I'm not sure. Apple, where are you sweetie!"

Prue: "Grams she's only a few days old, she can't answer!"

(Suddenly some guy walks in carrying the baby. Another guy walks in and handcuffs Grams.)

Agent 1: "Penny Halliwell I'm Child Protective Service Agent, Mr. T, and this is my partner, Mr. U, we're here to take you're baby away. Oh and he's here to arrest you."

Grams: "What for?"

Agent 2: "For endangerment of a child a possession of some stuff we thought was Oregano, but wasn't." (Agent 1 is slowly moving his hand in front of his face and laughing.)

Agent 1: "Dude, did you know we like have 5 fingers?"

Prue: "Well what are you standing around here for?"

Agent 2: "Would you prefer to be dragged out kicking and screaming or be hit with a tranquilizer dart?"

Grams: "Ooh kicking and screaming please." (Clears her throat.) "No, please don't take me away!" (The three leave.)

Me: "Well looks like a spot just opened up!"

Andy: "Aren't we gonna mourn for her or something?"

Patty: "She'll be back; once she realizes she's Telekinetic."

Barbas: "So who should we get to replace her?"

Me: "I know," (I snap my fingers and Dan appears.)

Dan: "Where am I?"

Barbas: "Good question, where are we, did we move again?"

Patty: "I think we're somewhere in Turkey."

Me: "No I think it's Chile, anyway welcome Dan, this is our disturbed group and you just replaced Penny." (I stick out my hand, but before he took it he ran his hand through his greasy hair. I wipe my hand on Prue's shoulder.)

Prue: (Really sweet,) "Hey Dan,"

Barbas: "Gawd Prue, if you were any sweeter you could've given us all diabetes."

Andy: "Watch it man, Prue's mine."

Me: "_Now _you like her!"

Dan: "Who are you people?"

Patty: "Well, that's Nicole; she's the twisted mind who brought us all here, and you already know Prue, and over there trying to steal the cameraman's footage is Alex, and I'm Prue's mom, Patty, ah the guy in the feather boa and leather pants is Barbas, and Andy is the one aiming the assault rifle at your head."

Dan: (Uneasily,) "Nice to meet you, what kind of name is Barbas?"

Barbas: "It's Russian; my mother was a Russian demon."

Dan: "Did he just say Russian? I-I mean demon?"

Me: "Yea, see remember all those time's Piper would just run off at any given moment? Well it's because of Barbas and all his buddies."

Dan: "Well that's somewhat of a relief; I thought she hated me."

Prue: "That too, and she was sleeping with Leo on the side." (Dan looks like he's about to cry.)

Barbas: "Okay, shut up!"

Leo and Paige sat at the bar at P3, seems everyone forgot about them.

Leo: "Do you think anyone even realizes we're gone?"

Paige: "Probably not, by the way; thanks for coming to the cross-dressers meeting."

Leo: "I'll try anything once," (They sat in silence, listening to the band play.)

(Leo decided to bring up the one thing they had in common; their hatred for Phoebe.)

"Wanna hear a joke?"

Paige: "Okay,"

Leo: "Why is Phoebe like the Bermuda Triangle?'

Paige: (Thinks for a second.) "I dunno,"

Leo: "Because they both swallow a lot of sea men."

(Both of them started cracking up, Leo actually started crying.)

Leo: "Oh boy, anyway I guess I better go see Chris."

Paige: "Later dude," (Leo leaves, he senses Chris at the Manor so he quickly heads over there. When he gets there he sees that he and Piper are attached, and Chris is out cold.) "Piper what the fuck are you doing to him!" (He looks disgusted.)

Piper: (Looks up, startled.) "Leo, uh, I was just…"

Leo: "Putting make-up on my boyfriend!" Leo screamed. (Betcha thought it was something else huh?)

(Chris had ruby red lipstick on, blue eye shadow, mascara, and all that good stuff.)

Piper: "Is that all you noticed?"

Leo: (Looks at them.) "Omigod he's wearing earrings!"

Piper: (Shakes her head) "No dumbass, we're stuck together, we tried to vanquish each other but instead we fused together!"

Leo: "Really?" (He raises an eyebrow; uh oh Leo got an idea!)

(Down in the place I rightly dubbed 'Freebie Ville')

(Phoebe is loading a rocket launcher.)

Phoebe: (Mumbling) "Damn Cole, tell me not to mess with the hole; it's just as much my hole as it is his." Hee hee!

(She fires the rocket the all kinds of black goop flies everywhere, Cole comes running in. once again, just in time.)

Cole: Dammit Phoebe you stupid ho, I told you not to destroy the hole!"

Phoebe: "Bite my big- slutty ass! Besides, the fate of the world shouldn't be depended upon a hole!"

Cole: "Uh oh," (The room was turning into a forest, with deer and rabbits and waterfalls. Cole spots a rabbit and starts to chase it.) "Ooh bunny!"

Phoebe: "Aw look at the pretty rainbow!" (Oh dear god it's started!)

TBC….

Well well well, was that weird or what? Now we get to see what it would be like if it was opposite- actually this is just better portrayal of 'It's a Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad, etc World' so hope u liked- it could've been better but I've gotten 4 hours of sleep in the last two days….you know the drill!

Cya!

Nicole!


	8. topsy turvy

2 reviews- if I don't get more I swear to Prue I'm gonna…gonna… do something REALLY bad! Mwhahaha!

Disclaimer- Shh, hear that? It's the sound of me crying cuz I don't own Charmed.

Chapter 8- topsy turvy

Patty: "Hey since the story world is all opposite does that mean we should be evil?"

Me: "Nah, that's too confusing, before we get started I think we should go around the room and say one thing we learned from the story." (Everyone moans) "Oh shut up, I'll go first." (I clear my throat.) "I learned that…hmm…never give Phoebe a weapon."

Prue: "You're just now learning that? Anyway if I have to do this I'm gonna say; I learned…ah screw it this is boring."

Barbas: "It's not boring you just didn't learn anything, dumbass."

Prue: "Don't call me a dumbass, dumbass!"

Dan: (Whispering to Andy.) "Do they do this a lot?" (Andy nods)

Me: "Okay that's it. Alex!" (Alex walks over.)

Alex: "Yea?"

Me: "Slap Prue for me will ya?"

(He slaps Prue so hard her head actually spins around.)

Patty: "That's funny,"

Prue: "Ow, just for that I'm not gonna give you those pictures of Cole I had."

Alex: "No, please, I'm sorry!"

Me: "No your not, you're burning off Prue's hair as we speak."

Alex: (Chuckling) I know," (He finishes burning the hair then walks away laughing.)

Prue: "NO my hair, my beautiful hair!"

Andy: "NO her hair!" I'm gonna go hurt him!"

Barbas: "Sit down Andy, we all know you can't do anything but talk." (Andy slumps down sadly.)

Me: "Right, so I guess we're not gonna play my game so we'll just start the story."

Dan: "Story? What story?" (Alex runs up and slaps him then runs off.)

In the Underworld…

(Phoebe and Cole and a bunch of other demons are running in a field in slow motion.) (We're just gonna go see Piper and them.)

(Paige and Leo are chasing Piper and Chris with spears.)

Paige: "Get em!" (She throws the spear and it hit's Chris in the stomach.)

Piper: "Bitch!" (She throws a knife and it hits Paige in the chest and pops her implants.)

Paige: "Hey, those were $6000 a pop!" (She pulls out the knife and the implant along with it.)

Leo: "Wait! Why are we fighting each other?"

Chris: "Who should we be fighting?"

Leo: "I dunno, maybe Freebie."

All: "Freebie!"

Piper: "Where is she?"

(Suddenly Cole and Phoebe _Flower _in. it looks like a hippie threw up on them. Flowers, bell bottoms, all that crap.)

Cole: "Peace my brothas and sistas." (He puts a flower in Leo's hair and kisses him on the cheek. Leo smiles.)

Paige: "What the hell happened to you two!" (Referring to their clothes because Paige and them are wearing nothing but black.)

Phoebe: "Well the last thing I remember is I destroyed some hole then Cole and I started chasing bunny rabbits." (She tries to put a flower in Piper's hair but she slaps her.)

Cole: "Hey, you two are stuck together, cool."

Chris: "You're just now noticing this? And no it's not 'cool', dumbass."

Leo: "Hey wait, what's Cole doing back here?"

Phoebe: (She giggles) "Oh- I brought him back from the astral plane." (Giggles.)

Piper: "Why?"

Phoebe: "Because I love him,"

Paige: "Riigghhtt, I say we kill them both!"

Piper: "All right with me,"

Paige: "For Prue!" (She looks stunned that she just said that. So does everybody else.)

Me: "Dammit Prue," (I slap her on the shoulder.) "Stop screwing with the story!" (Prue laughs.)

(Piper, Chris, (Now Pris) and Leo are chasing Cole and Phoebe through the house. Piper throws an ax but before it can hit Phoebe they flower out.)

Piper: (Puts her hand on he hip, Chris does the same.) "Was that fruity or what?"

Leo: "Let's go get them!" (He grabs Piper's arm and the three of them orb out. Except instead of blue orbs they were black.)

(Everyone ends up in Freebie Ville. Cole and Phoebe are hiding behind a tree.)

Chris: "I have a feeling we're not in San Francisco anymore."

Leo: "Looks like Oz."

Piper: "The jail?"

Leo: "No, _Oz_, munchkins and all." (Seriously, there are Munchkins running around.)

Chris: "Look, over there behind the tree!" (He points to the tree where the cowering couple is hiding.)

Piper: "You two go get them, I have a plan." (Referring to Chris and Leo.)

Chris: "But Piper, we're stuck together."

Piper: "I knew that! Leo you go get them." (Leo starts walking.)

Leo: (Muttering) "Nag, nag, nag, she's lucky I'm still in love with her." (He grabs Cole and Phoebe by the arm and drags them over to Piper.) "Here,"

Phoebe: (Crying) Please don't hurt us Piper!"

Chris: "Geez Phoebe, you're supposed to be nice, not winy."

Piper: "Let her cry, I have an idea. I figure since the three of us, and Cole are the strongest people in the world now, why don't we take advantage of it?"

Paige: "What do you mean?"

Piper: "Don't you get it? We could rule the world now!"

Cole: "I don't think that's such a good idea."

Piper: "Fine, you stay here in Mary Poppins Land while I rule your sorry asses."

Phoebe: "We will, and our asses won't be sorry." (Everyone takes turns slapping Freebie.)

Piper: "Paige, Leo, Chris? You guys with me?"

Chris: "Do I have a choice?"

Piper: "Not really, what about you two?"

Paige: "Can I dismember some people?"

Piper: "I insist on it!"

Leo: "Can…I get a cape?"

Piper: (Looks at him strangely.) "I-guess…"

Suddenly Gideon appears

Chris: "Dad?"

Paige: "Oh no, my baby's daddy!" (She quickly covers her mouth.)

Dan: "Wow, Piper sure is pretty when she's bitchy."

Prue: (Clearly jealous) "Hey, I can be bitchy too!"

Andy: (Clearly jealous that Prue is jealous of Piper.) "Hey, pay attention to me!"

Me: "(Annoyed) "Shut up all three of you, does anyone even care that Gideon's back?"

(Everyone mumbles)

Patty: "Well-It's-kinda interesting,"

Barbas: (Crossing his arms) "I could care less. That jerk never called me back."

Prue: "You slept with him?"

Barbas: "No, and I'm glad I didn't."

Dan: "That's creepy,"

Andy: "Yea so are you but no one's saying anything."

Dan: "You just did!"

Me: "Barbas stop teasing Dan, Dan stop picking your nose, Patty stop punching Prue, and Prue for the love of god stop screaming 'Sanctuary!"

Barbas: "Dan if you like bitchy girls, there's yours."

Me: "NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!"

(A cell phone rings)

Patty: "Who has a cell phone?" (Prue pulls one out of her pocket and answers it. Everyone looks at her and she looks at us.)

Prue: "What? I'm allowed to have a life, even though I'm dead." (She turns back to the phone.) "Sorry no one here by that name." (She hangs up.)

Andy: "Wrong number?"

Prue: "No it was Grams; she needed someone to break her out of the nut house. Apparently she told them that Apple's dad is a demon."

Me: "She told you all that?"

Prue: "Nah ah, I read on her blog this morning."

Me: "Damn internet,"

TBC…..

SO-MUCH-WRITER'S-BLOCK! I'm sorry guys, this chapter was uninspired and I need help! You're probably wondering why Cole and Freebie were hippie-like, it's because they were both good and bad, so the only possible image left were smelly hippies! Next chapter will be better, I promise, so just review! Btw, Alex, email me and I'll tell u bout my story idea, k?

Cya!

Nicole


	9. holy crap chapter 9!

Chapter 9- Holy crap! Chapter 9!

Me: "I'm confused, who's all still here?

Prue: "Well we've got the most important person- Me, then we have you, mom, Andy, Dan, and Barbas…that's it."

Patty: "Hmm, I think it's time for another switch."

Prue: "You're right mom," (She pulls a lever next to her.) "You are the weakest link, good-bye." (Jenny falls from the ceiling and lands in Patty's seat.) "Oh no, not this bitch."

Jenny: (Scared, then sees Dan.) " Dan? W-what are we doing here?"

Dan: "I thought I killed you!" (Looks at Jenny's back and she has a stab wound.) (Chuckles) "Never mind,"

Me: "Of all the people! Ugh, whatever- she'll do. Jenny I'm Nicole, that's Andy… forget it, on with the story."

Barbas: "What's wrong with her?"

Piper: "Gideon, what are you doing here?"

Gideon: "I came to get Wyatt, I want custody of him."

Leo: "What! You're his father!"

Chris: "Hey, he's mine too!"

Phoebe: "Shh!"

Leo: "Gideon? Of all people, why?"

Piper: "I think I'd better explain. See it all happened a year and a half ago. I went to a singles mixer…"

Leo: "But we were still married then."

Piper: "I know that! Anyway Gideon and I met, we had a few drinks, next thing I know I'm lying on a bed in some cheap hotel room next to a hairy old man."

Chris: "Eww, didn't need to hear that."

Gideon: "Get used to it son, all that hair is hereditary."

Chris: "NOOOOOOOO!" (He starts running around in circles.)

Piper: "Well you're not getting custody Gideon."

Gideon: "I don't want custody. I just wanted to make a dramatic entrance. I actually came because I traced this place to where the grand design shifted. So I figured Phoebe must have done something stupid." (Phoebe crosses her arms and pouts.)

Chris: "What about me! Dad haven't you even noticed I'm stuck to Piper!"

Gideon: (Not even looking at Chris.) "Yes son that's very nice. I'll hang it on the fridge when I get home."

Piper: "Anyway, I don't care about the Grand Design anymore. In fact I was taking advantage of it."

Gideon: "How so?"

Piper: "I don't feel like explaining it again. Phoebe and Cole will tell you. C'mon Paige, C'mon Leo." (The four of them orb away.)

Cole: "So you knocked up Piper huh? Right on!" (He puts his hand up for a high-five but Gideon just looks at him oddly. He puts his hand down.)

Andy: "How come Paige didn't say anything?"

Prue: "Have you not been paying attention? She is pregnant with Gideon's baby!"

Me: "Or is she?" (Everyone looks at me. Including Alex who is standing behind Prue with a knife, already in mid-stab, but he stopped.) "I'm just saying,"

Jenny: "Saying what?"

Me: "That I don't like you. Go awayyy!"

Dan: "Aren't the guests on this thing supposed to be annoying?"

Prue: "Duh—wait…"

Me: "Yes but there is only so much annoying that a person can take."

Barbas: "In other words; you can't fix stupid."

Me: "That'll be the quote of the day."

Prue: "Nicole, Alex is stabbing me again!"

Andy: "He's gotta get it out of his system, besides, you're self-healing now."

Prue: "But you're not!" (She pulls the knife out of her back then runs after Andy. I freeze her.)

Me: "Hmm, forgot I could do that."

(On top of the Golden Gate Bridge. It's windy and Leo is fixing his hair on a mirror up against the beam.)

Piper: "Leo, why the hell is there a mirror up here!"

Leo: (Still fixing his hair.) "Well I'm always up here, and it does get breezy, so I gotta fix my hair and occasionally my make-up.

Paige: "And you thought there was a chance he was straight."

Piper: "Now you're talking. What was up with you back there?"

Chris: "Didn't you hear her when my dad showed up? She said;" (In Paige's voice) "Oh no, my baby's daddy!"

Leo: "What is it that is so damn appealing about him!"

Piper: "He has power; all you have is a mirror."

Paige: "Well it's all happened about a year and a half ago. We met at a singles mixer and…"

Piper: "You idiot! That's my story!"

Paige: Right, well mine's not very interesting. A couple weeks ago I was at Magic School looking for some demon info then some stuff happened. I don't wanna talk about it."

Chris: "Thank you,"

Leo: "Right well, why are we up here?"

Piper: "Because it's the perfect place to view all the damage we're about in inflict."

Paige: "Ooh let's get rid of the bridge first!"

'_Let the object of objection become but a dream_

_as I cause the scene to be unseen.' _(The bridge starts to disappear.)

Chris: "Paige, you fruit!" (They all starts falling, but they orb away.)

(They end up back in Freebie-Ville)

Paige: "Why are we back here?"

Piper: "Because you're too stupid to be evil, so we're gonna let Phoebe watch you."

(Gideon runs up to them, out of breath.)

Gideon: "Thank god you're back, they won't leave alone!" (Cole and Phoebe runs up carrying a basket of flowers.)

Piper: "Hey, Thing 1 and Thing 2, stop it!"

Cole: "I like those nick-names." (Phoebe nods.)

Chris: "Why didn't you tell me you slept with Paige?"

Gideon: "Who? Me? I would never do that!"

Chris: "Right, don't lie, Paige even said you did."

Paige: "Well—actually, it might not have been _this _Gideon."

Phoebe: "What other Gideon is there?"

Chris: "You mean I have another dad to ignore me?"

Paige: "Yea, the evil Gideon, although he would be the good Gideon now, so this Gideon would be evil…That make any sense?" (Cricket chips)

Piper: "Okay, Paige, no more special brownies for you."

Leo: "No, Paige is right about there being two Gideon's, there is actually two of all of us. We just exist on separate planes."

Cole: Thank you Dr. Spock," (Rolls his eyes.)

Piper: "But then wouldn't that mean that this Gideon got Paige pregnant too?"

Gideon: No way, we both don't have to make the same mistake."

Leo: "Wait, you're evil—so wanna go wreak havoc with us?"

Gideon: "Alright," (Everyone except Cole and Phoebe orb out.)

(Cole and Phoebe start doing the Chicken Dance.)

Prue: "I'm confused…I mean more confused than the time I hugged Phoebe."

Me: "Idiot, it's obvious. Paige slept with the other Gideon, not this one."

Prue: "I get that, just is he good or evil?"

Me: "This one was originally good, now he's evil. So that would make the other Gideon good, get it?"

Prue: "Sure, why not."

Dan: "Okay Jenny, you've been here for almost 5 pages. You have to do something to earn your keep."

Jenny: But I already had to give Barbas a foot massage. And his toes are hairy and he has corns!"

Andy: "Now you have to give Prue a foot massage, and her feet are hairy and full of corns!"

Prue: "Watch it, or I'll beat you to death."

Andy: "Yea well at least I won't get killed off by being thrown through a wall!"

Me: "Whoa, easy with insults. Besides I have something Jenny could do." (Evil smile)

(Jenny's hanging from the ceiling, her feet maybe 5 feet from the ground.)

Me: "Okay, everybody have thier bats?" (Everyone nods) "Alright, now beat the human piñata!" (Everyone starts beating her.)

Jenny: "Ow-Wait-Ow- Aren't you- Ow- Supposed to be wearing blindfolds?-Ow!"

Prue: "Ha, we're not four year olds!"

TBC…..

That was weird. Well at least I've updated…so now go review…

Cya!

Nicole!


	10. World Domeenation! Or not

Chapter 10- World Domee-nation!

Me: "You know, I think this story has lost its vision."

Prue: "Vision? What vision!"

Andy: "You mean the point?"

Me: "Yea, I mean when I started this thing I had a good idea about the plot, now…nothin. It's just mindless ranting and bad co-hosts."

Dan: "Well _excuse_ us for being born."

Me: "Sorry, some things are just inexcusable." (Long pause)

Jenny: (She's tied up in the corner like the bit- I mean, _dog _she is.) "What's you're point?"

Me: "Cram it! Did I say you could talk!" (I throw a microphone at her and it knocks her out.) "The point is I'd like to apologize to everyone for drifting off, that's why…" (Pause for dramatic effect.) "There is only going to be one more chapter after this." (I start crying)

All: "YES!" (I stare at them.)

Prue: "I-I mean, damn that sucks."

Barbas: "WHY!" (He starts to fake sob.)

Me: "You guys are horrible actors, ya know that?" (They all nod.) "Well what do you think Alex?"

(He's over at the buffet table, injecting poison into Prue's sandwich.)

Alex: (Jumps and hides the poison.) "Huh, oh well it's very sad. Nobody likes to see stories go." (Shakes his head and mumbles something then goes back to his task.)

Andy: "So much Shannen, so little time." (We all look at him and he's reading a magizine.)

Prue: "Andy what the fudge are you doing!" (He's doing…something.)

Andy: "N-nothing!"

Prue: "Don't lie! That's that Playboy that Shannen Doherty did the spread for, isn't it!"

Dan: "That's mine!"

Me: (Mumbling as all the guys gather around Andy.) "Guys are freaks,"

The world was still is its opposite self. Leo had gone to see the Elders, to kill them of course, but they oddly turned into a bunch of drunken frat guys, even the women. So he just left them to have their toga party.

"Toga, toga…" Leo was chanting when he orbed back to the Manor.

Piper: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Leo: "Nevermind, so what are you doing?"

Piper: "Well, I'm trying to think of something really evil to do."

Leo: "You can hire the right guys, get the right weapons, but it helps to have a plan first." (She nods) (He turns to Chris who is flipping channels on the TV.) "And what are you doing?"

Chris: "I'm trying to find the news." (He stops on a channel.)

TV: "You're watching Lifetime, television for idiots."

Chris: (Turning it off.) "Oh no I'm not."

(Gideon and the now huge Paige walk in. Magical pregnancy is a bitch.)

Paige: "Yo ho hello,"

Piper: "Did you just call me a ho?" (She slaps Paige.)

Paige: "HEY! I'm pregnant, could you please suppress your rage until the baby comes? Or take it out on Leo." (Piper slaps Leo.) "Better,"

Gideon: "So Paige, you never did explain how you really met the other Gideon." (Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at Paige.)

Paige: (Lowers her eyes at Gideon.) "Gee thanks for reminding me. Fine, well a few weeks ago…" (Suddenly Cole and Phoebe flower in.) (ooh, perfect timing.)

Phoebe: (Scared) "Guys, Cole's pregnant!" (Leo shrieks in a girlish tone a conveniently faints on the couch.)

Paige: "Crazy hippie bitch say wha?"

Piper: "How is that even possibl- I know how that's possib- wait, no I don't. How is that even possible!"

Cole: "Well, last night Phoebe and I got a little frisky and…"

Chris: "Not that dumbass! How is it that Cole's pregnant and not you?"

Phoebe: "Oh that! Funny story, well not really. Long story short, we kinda pissed off a Sorceress."

Paige: "You did, did ya? Well that's not really our problem, cuz if you remember correctly, you're good, and we're bad." (She looks and points to Leo.) "Okay, maybe not him, but he's passed out. So go away before we kill you."

Piper: "Gawd Paige show a little compassion here. I mean Phoebe just knocked a guy up." (She starts cracking up.)

Gideon: "That's actually not as funny as you would think. There is a prophecy, If a demon named Cole and a Charmed One named Phoebe ever have a child it will bring forth the end of the world."

Chris: "Wow, doesn't get more specific than that, does it?"

Gideon: "Actually it does, you see…"

Chris: "Dad, that was a rhetorical question."

Piper: (Pouting) "I thought Wyatt was supposed to end the world."

Phoebe: "Speaking of which, where is he?" (They all look around.)

(Cut to P3…)

(Wyatt's dancing with a bunch of strippers to Eminem's song; Ass Like That with a bottle of fermented apple juice in his bottle.)

(Cut back to the Manor…)

Leo: (He wakes up.) "What's with the pausing?"

Cole: "Oh we were waiting while the story cut to Wyatt."

Leo: "Ah, wait…you're pregnant?"

Paige: (Before Cole can answer.) "Yea, and so am I if anybody else forgot!"

Piper: "We didn't forget, this is just more interesting. And before we continue the conversation is there anyone else here who would like to announce they're pregnant?" (Kit randomly walks past.)

Leo: "This actually reminds me of a movie I saw. It was a Buffy movie called; 'My Baby's Daddy' or somethin like that. To sum it up Spike was pregnant."

Chris: "Wasn't that a story first?"

Leo: "Yea but I'm too lazy to read the story."

Gideon: "So I take it that you don't read Playboy for the articles then?"

Leo: "What's Playboy?"

Chris: "Dad he's gay, and so and am I but you would've known that if you actually stopped and found some time to talk with me huh!"

Gideon: "Get over yourself, I never wanted you, it was your mother's twisted idea to poke a hole in the condom." (Chris throws up.)

Cole: "Ok I can see that you people have some major evil issues to deal with, sooo, let's do lunch, or something." (He and Phoebe flower out.)

Leo: "Shouldn't we be worried about the demon spawn that Cole is carrying?"

Paige: "Forget that, did you see Phoebe's hair? What-a-_freak_!" (This time Gideon slaps her.)

Gideon: "I don't think we should be worried, after all, Cole is technically good now."

Piper: "Good to know, now back to Paige's story then we reek some havoc."

Paige: "Ok, so it was a few weeks ago, I was just coming out of my crossdressers meeting," (Piper looks at her weird.) "so I decide to go to magic school for no apparent reason…."

Piper: "Ah ha! I just had the perfect idea!"

Paige: But what about my story?"

Piper: Save it, everyone follow me." (They all orb out.)

Barbas: "What is with all the effing stalling on Paige's story!"

Me: "I'm just gonna save it till the last chapter."

Prue: "Right well then, you guys done with that Playboy yet?"

Andy: "Yea, w-we realized what we were doing was wrong." (None of the guys are looking at each other.)

Jenny: (She's woken up and chewed threw her leg to get out of the chain.) "What made you come to your senses?"

Dan: "Well we kinda got a little _too _into the moment, and now we need a shower, big time."

Barbas: "BUT NOT TOGETHER!"

Andy: "Gawd no!"

Me: "Oh how the mighty have fallen."

(Cut to the Bay Mirror…Phoebe's office.)

Paige: "How come I had to glamour into Phoebe?" (She looks like Phoebe.)

Piper: Because I didn't want Leo to get any gayer than he already is."

Gideon: (Picks up a piece of paper.) "So tell me again how this article is evil."

Leo: "Doy, once word that Holly Marie Combs is dead gets out people will riot in the streets in pure shock."

Paige: "B-but she's not dead is she?"

Piper: "Thankfully not,"

Chris: "So this is the _huge _evil you were talking about huh? Well my god Piper, no wonder Leo's gay, this is ridiculous!"

Paige: "What does that have to do with Leo?"

Chris: "Nothing, I just like to rub it in that Leo's not with her anymore." (He laughs)

Piper: "I swear, if we weren't sharing a liver I'd saw us apart right now."

Chris: "Talk, talk…"

Paige: Hey, could you stop fighting for one freakin minute! I have to get into character." (She takes a deep breath then takes the paper and walks out to find Elise. She hitches up her skirt and walks all slutty.)

Leo: "Now we just sit and wait." (They all laugh evilly.)

(The next day…)

Piper turns on the news.

Reporter: "10 people are dead a riot that started when news surfaced that Holly Marie Combs is dead." (Someone walks up, crying, then stabs the reporter.)

(She changes the channel)

Reporter: "A hostage situation is in progress at the California Motel. The criminal took the 24 year old waitress hostage after learning that TV goddess Holly Marie Combs is dead, more at 11."

(Changes it again, but its some foreign channel. Spanish or something.)

Reporter: "…Holly Marie Combs," (The screen flashes with the image of people shooting each other, starting fires, pretty sick shit.) (Piper flips off the TV and grins happily.)

Piper: "See, told ya."

Chris: "I still think it was stupid. I mean we could do anything, but no, you choose to print false articles. If I wanted to do something that stupid I would make a crank call to the White House!"

Paige: "You're just jealous you didn't think about it first." (She's eating a tomato- mustard-fudge sauce-fish-peanut butter- mushroom sandwich on heart healthy wheat bread.) (Everyone looks sick.) "What? I'm craving it."

Piper: "Aren't you allergic to mushrooms?" (She's already taken a huge bite and swallowed.)

Paige: "Oh crap," (She falls over,)

Piper: "You can't die, you're pregnant, pregnant people never die!"

Paige: "I was never really pregnant." (She's on the verge of dying.)

Gideon: "Leo heal her!"

Leo: "We can't heal anymore, we're evil."

Paige: "The treasure is buried at…" (She dies very dramatically.)

Leo: (He falls down and reaches out to nothing in particular.) "Conner…"

Me: "Whoops,"

Chris: "Who's Conner? Someone I should know about?"

Leo: "He's just a guy."

Conner: "Just a guy?" (Everyone turns and looks at Conner.) "Hello Grandpa,"

(Gasps)

Conner: "Hello grandma,"

Piper: "Grandma!"

Gideon: "Grandpa?"

Chris: "Wow, he's hot, I-I mean, grandma, grandpa?"

Leo: "Hello Conner,"

Piper: "Who the hell are you! Leo, who the hell is he!"

Conner: "I am from the distant future, I shouldn't say anymore because of the risks."

Leo: "It's okay, everything's ending soon."

Conner: "Alright, My name is Conner Halliwell, my father was Angel Halliwell…"

Gideon: "Who the hell would name their son Angel!"

Leo: "I would,"

Piper: "Leo, is there something you're not telling me?"

Chris: "Yea Leo, is there?"

Leo: "Piper, Angel is our son, I went to the future and found out we had a son 3 years after Wyatt was born, we named him Angel, because again we stupidly though we were going to have a girl. I also found out that Angel had a son, Conner."

Piper: "You're kidding right? That would mean…"

Chris: "That would mean that you two got back together." (He starts tearing up.)

Gideon: "Wow get a video camera in here and we've got a soap opera."

Leo: "What are you doing here Conner?"

Conner: "In history class we were studying the Holly Marie Combs riot of 2005, AKA World War III…"

Piper: "So?"

Conner: "That actually has nothing to do with anything, I heard that in 2005 was the last year before they stopped using beef and switched to penguin. I thought I'd come see what a cow looks like, seeing that they're extinct in my time."

Gideon: "That's it? You wanted to see a cow? Why didn't you just conjure one up?"

Conner: "And miss this? I don't think so."

Leo: "Miss what?"

Conner: "Wait for it…3…2…1…" (Cole and Phoebe flower back in.)

Both: "Prue's back! In coming!" (Prue shimmers in.)

All: "NOOOOO!"

Prue: "I'm baacckkk!" (Evil kackle.)

Prue: "How is it that I'm in the story _and _here?"

Me: "That's your astral self. Don't think to much on it, you'll get wrinkles."

Barbas: "You managed to screw up so much of that story." (I blow off his arm.)

Me: "I'm trying to make it end with a bang."

Andy: "Couldn't you have made it end with a bang in the final chapter?"

Me: "You mean like on _Friends_ when they put Ross and Rachel back together and Chandler and Monica got the twins leaving the _biggest _cliffhanger ever!" (He nods.) "No freakin way, that way the cruelest way to end a show, and now we're stuck with _Joey_!"

Jenny: "That show sucks,"

Dan: "No it doesn't!" (I kick him in the shins.)

TBC…..

Forgive me! That was weird I know, but I'm weird—er right now.

Cya!

Nicole!


	11. the wonderful Warloc I mean Wizard of Oz

A/N: Well, I've finally decided to get off my lazy ass and update all of my fics. My writer's block is finally over! I've also been very busy with school. Also- _some_ of this chapter was inspired by a Futurama/Wizard of Oz, which means it's gonna be a _long_ chapter, no one sue…

Chapter 11- Lifestyles of the Bitchy and Shameless

THE FINAL CHAPTER!- With special guest appearance by; Catherine Zeta Jones, because I think she's hot.

Disclaimer: I never owned any of this crap and would be crazy to say I did.

Me: "Well this is it, the end of my very first story."

Prue: "No! I don't want it to end!" (Starts to cry.)

Andy: "Why'd you change your mind?"

Prue: "I realized once this story ends, I'm out of a job!"

Barbas: "What about that comedy that you were doing for UPN?"

Prue: "I-I got kicked off before it even aired!" (Still crying)

Jenny: "Well can you blame em? I mean you screwed up the WB and UPN sucks on it's own…it doesn't need anymore help."

Me: (Agreeing with her yet I still slap her.) "Shut up!"

Jenny: "I haven't been able to get 3 sentences out since I can here! I got more lines when I was on that Syphilis commercial."

Dan: "And that's thanks to the fine writers over at the WB." (He does a thumbs-up to an imaginary camera.)

Prue: "How much did they pay you to say that?"

Dan: "Let's just say I'm the reason Charmed now has such a tight budget."

Me: "So it's _your _fault!" (I start choking him and rip out his hair. Barbas and Andy pull me off him. He starts crying.)

Barbas: "Hey, hey, calm down, you don't wanna end the story like this, do you?"

Me: (After regaining my composure.) "No, of course not. Let's start t-the story!"(I start to cry, Prue tries to hug me but I elbow her and hug Andy.)

It has now been a good six months since we last left off. Paige was dead, buried, and forgotten; Cole looked like a hot pregnant guy if I ever saw one; Phoebe had taken up smoking; Piper and Chris had somehow separated and were in the middle of a horrific yet hilarious love triangle with Leo; Prue and Gideon were being complete and total bitches; Conner was just…leaving. (I kick him back to his crappy show.); and the world was now at the mercy of Piper. But hey, what else is new? Oh and Phoebe and Cole were lil wusses and became evil.

The Manor-

Phoebe: "Wow, what an eventful year (10 chapters) this has been." (everyone nods)

(There's a loud splashing sound from the kitchen.)

Phoebe: "Omigod! Cole, did your water break?"

(Cole walks in.)

"Sorry, no, I just dropped my bottle of Mountain Dew. (He holds up the bottle and looks at some random spot.) "Do the Dew,"

Phoebe: "Gawd, don't scare me like that." (Cole walks back out.)

Me: "Wait!" (I get out of my chair.) "What the hell is up with all these ads?"

Prue: "We get paid 40 grand per promo, we just have to do a Taco Bell and Gap ad and we're good for two more chapters." (Looking proud until I shake my head.)

Me: "You fruits, we're not ending the story because of money."

Barbas: "We're not?"

Me: "No! And if we were I sure as Holly wouldn't promote Gap, they suck. We're actually ending because this story is old, I need to start something new, pursue other stories, and make fun of other gueststars/celebrities. I have a life outside this thing ya know!"

Jenny: (Muttering) "ha, barely."

Me: (really mad.) "Okay, I've tried to be nice to you, you annoying little ho bag, but you bug the crap outta me!" (I move my chair and open up a trapdoor. Revealing a pit full of water and some sharks with laser beams tied to their heads.)

Prue: "Wow, I thought you were never gonna use the birthday present I got you!"

Me: "See you in hell Jenny," (I push her in.)

Jenny: "Noooooooooo! Who would've thought my one weakness would be sharks with lasers?" (The sharks rip her to shreds and one shoots Dan in the butt before I close the door. I put my chair back and sit down.)

Andy: "Better?"

Me: "Much,"

Chris: "Has anyone noticed that he's grown breasts?"

Prue: "Not till you said it!" (She punches him in the gut.)

Gideon: "Other than that, is anyone afraid of the imminent danger we're all in once Cole delivers baby Lucifer?"

Phoebe: (Muttering) "Baby Lucifer?" (She runs out of the room.) "Cole! I know what the baby's name is!"

Piper: "Actually, I've done some thinking. I don't think once the baby's born the world will end."

Leo: "What makes you say that?"

Piper: "Because we met our grandson…" (She looks around to see if anyone caught her idea.)

Chris: "…and he's important because?"

Piper: "Ugh, why do I bother with you people? If we met Conner that means the world must not have ended, which means something must've happened between now and two months from now to change the prophecy."

Leo: (Moves closer to her.) "I love it when you say stuff I don't understand."

Cole: (He and Phoebe just walked in.) "So you must've loved her for a while then, huh?"

Leo: "Shut up you cow!"

Cole: (Starts crying, turns to Phoebe.) "You said I still looked pretty!" (He runs off.)

Phoebe: "Hormones, god I need a cigarette." (She starts smoking.)

Chris: "Those things will kill you ya know?"

Phoebe: "No, these are cloves." (Whatever the hell those are.)

Piper: (Takes it from her.) "No it's not, this is a joint! You've been holding out on me!"

Phoebe: "Lies!" (She tries to take it back but Piper burns her then starts smoking it.)

(She blazes for awhile then finally passes out.)

(The room fades out in a dizzy effect then changed to Piper lying over her bed. Everything is now in black-and-white; Piper's wearing a short blue dress with her hair in pigtails.)

(Piper wakes up groggily and sees Kit on the bed next to her.)

Piper: "Wow, how long was I out?"

Kit: "An hour…I-I mean, Meow."

Piper: "That's what I thought." (She stands and picks Kit up and looks out the window. The house is sinking into the ground.) "Oh, no! We must be having an earthquake! I wonder where everyone else is." (She shakes off the thought when she sees someone pass her window.)

(Robert Englund is for some reason riding by on a bike.)

Piper: "Omigod, Gammil!"

Gammil: "One-two Freddy's comin for you…" (He morphs into Freddy Kruger.)

(She screams and tries to blow him up, but of course, her powers don't work. Freddy rides away and the house passes a few more layers of dirt. Then Judy Garland appears.)

Piper: "Dorothy?"

Dorothy: "That's right bitch, get out of my movie!" (Dorothy disappears and the house suddenly shakes and Piper is thrown into the wall.)

Piper: "Ow," (She picks up Kit and walks to her bedroom door and opens it. The new scene is in bright color; it looks like one of the guys from Queer Eye designed it. She steps out of her room and onto some yellow brick road.) "I have a feeling we're not in San Francisco anymore Kit." (A bunch of midgets walk out, all in really fruity clothes.) "Or maybe we are."

(A fat little bald dude walks up to her. He's the mayor.)

Mayor: (In a high voice) "Who the hell are you?"

Piper: "I'm Piper Halliwell. Who the hell are you, and where the hell am I?"

Mayor: "I'm the Mayor, and you're in Oz."

Piper: (looks around uncertainly.) "The prison?"

(All the Munchkins giggle.)

Mayor: "We wish," (Winks at Piper.) "How did you get here?"

Piper: "I don't know I was hoping you could tell me."

Mayor: "Well it doesn't matter how you got here, but in the process you killed the Wicked Witch of the West Side." (He flashes some weak-ass gang sign, so does everyone else.)

Piper: "Excuse me?"

Mayor: "Oh yes, the Wicked Witch of the West Side has been torturing us for years, eating all the Special K, hiding the remote, really sick shit." (He points behind Piper. She turns around and there is a pair of legs sticking out from under the house. )

Piper: "Ooh, that had to hurt."

Mayor: "Oh I think it's time for a song." (Everyone cheers.)

Everyone: (In really high voices.) "Ding-dong the bitch is dead. Which old bitch? The wicked bitch! Ding-dong the wicked bitch is dead!" (They all stop, one of them even starts smoking.)

Piper: "That's it?"

Mayor: "If we sing one more verse we have to pay for that song."

(Suddenly blue and white lights appear and in them is Paige. She's wearing a tight pink one-piece, pink high-heeled boots up to her knee, and more make-up then Marilyn Manson.)

Piper: "Let me guess, you're supposed to be Gelinda?"

Paige: "Who? No, I'm Rose, the Good Witch of the North Side, and you just killed my sister Prue; she was an evil lil biatch…"

Piper: "Ya I got that, look, how do I get home?"

Rose: "There will be plenty of time for that later, but now, we have entertainment!" (She claps her hands and little Chris, little Wyatt, and little Andy walk out in short-shorts and carrying big lollipops.)

Wyatt (Singing) "We are very pleased to meet you."

Andy: (Singing) "And very pleased to greet you."

Chris: (Singing) "With this song."

All: (Singing, they start swaying) "We represent, the copyrighted-version-of-the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, and in the name of the copyrighted-version-of- the Lollipop Guild, we welcome you to Munchkin Land." (Wyatt hands her a lollipop then the three of them back up and little Prue, Piper, and Phoebe walk up in pink tutus and sing some crap in a really high pitched voices then dance off.)

Piper: "My whole family needs therapy…Can you please help me get home?"

Rose: "I can't, I'm just here for looks, but I can help you get to someone who can." (She pulls out a magic wand with a star on top and waves it at Prue's feet and her shoes disappear and reappear on Piper's feet. Prue's feet shrivel up.)

Piper: (Shudders) "Why'd you change my shoes?" (She's now wearing some really tight looking DC shoes.)

Paige: "Because you can't walk in Gucci's." (Piper looks at Rose's shoes; they're now Piper's old ones.) "So you just follow this yellow brick road here to the Warloc-I mean Wizard and he'll get you home."

Piper: "Why can't you just orb me to him?"

Rose: "I'm not a cosmic taxi, besides; I don't want cat hair all over my dress." (Motions to Kit who is being cornered by some Munchkins, who are holding forks and knives and drooling.)

Piper: "Hey! Get you're midgets away from my cat!" (She scoops Kit up.)

Rose: "The word 'midget' is politically incorrect. They preferred to be called 'lil peoples'…" (Piper looks at a lil person who looks all gangsta.)

Gangster: "Ya, and if you don't call us that then I cut yo ass ho!" (Piper kicks him like a football and he goes flying.) "I regret nootttthhhhiiiinnnggg!"

(All the little people start to mutter angrily.)

Rose: "Get her!" (All of them start chasing her. They get half a mile then they tire out.)

(Piper's now walking down the road and comes across a scarecrow dressed as a prostitute hitting on the crows. And guess who it is? Freebie.)

Piper: "Phoebe?"

Phoebe: "Huh? No, I'm not Phoebe, I'm the Hocrow."

Piper: "Hocrow?"

Hocrow: "Yea, my job is to seduce guys, but I'm not very smart, so I can't think of anything to do to get them."

Piper: "I know I'm gonna regret this later but…do you want to come with me to see the Warloc-I mean Wizard? I'm going to ask him to send me home, or maybe to Julian McMahon's house and you can ask him for a brain."

Hocrow: "Really? Wait, is the Warloc-I mean Wizard hot?"

Piper: "I don't know we'll just have to wait and see." (They start walking.) "Oh, I'm Piper by the way, and this is my cat Kit."

Hocrow: "Kit cat? That's stupid."

Piper: "I know, my retarded little sister Phoebe picked the name."

Hocrow: "Well as you know, my name's Hocrow, and this is my Double D rack." (Motions to her chest, which is entirely made up of straw.)

(They walk for about 10 minutes the come across a Tin Man (Cole), he's not moving.)

Hocrow: "Wow, he's hot…" (Now would be a very good time to make a joke about him being stiff, but I'm going to take the high road and not say anything.)

Piper: "He looks like he could use a little oil." (They look around.)

Hocrow: "How about this?" (She hands Piper a bottle of KY, which Hocrow seemed to pull out of her ass.)

Piper: "Sure, why not?" (She puts some of it on him, Cole starts to move around.)

Cole: "Oh, thank you so much, it started to rain, and I was too dumb to go into the shack across the street so I rusted."

Piper: "So I can see you don't have a brain either."

Cole: "Watch it bitch,"

Hocrow: "That's not very nice, Piper helped you."

Cole: "Bite me,"

Piper: "Hey! Don't be so heartless!"

Cole: I can't! I don' have a heart!"

Hocrow: "Well you could come with us to see the Warloc- I mean Wizard, I'm going to ask him for a brain so I can hit on guys, she's going to ask him to get her home, and you could ask him for a heart."

Cole: "I guess; I don't have anything better to do but taunt the occasional passing Munchkin."

Piper: "Little person,"

Cole: "Whatever," (So they all start walking again. Actually Phoebe's skipping more than she is walking.)

Meanwhile…

(In some castle, Catherine Zeta Jones is standing over a cauldron watching the FoodNetwork, and then changes it so she's watching Piper, Hocrow, and Cole. Standing around her are some of the guys we haven't heard from in awhile; Leslie, Jason, Jack, and Glen. They're all in monkey costumes, Catherine is in a tight black mini skirt, tight black tube top and black knee high boots, and all of her outfit is leather. To add to that she's holding a leather whip. She looks really hot…)

Prue: "Do you really need to go into further detail with her clothes?"

Me: "I guess not, of course you're just jealous."

Prue: "Whatever, what does she got that I don't?"

Me: "Ah, straight eyes. You're cool and all; I just don't like you in that way."

Prue: "Fine,"

(Anyway, she's the Wicked Witch of the East Side.)

Catherine: "Jason, who is our new visitor?"

Jason: "I don't know ma'am, but I heard rumors that she's the one that killed you're girlfriend."

Catherine: "Hey! We only slept together once, after that I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but she kept calling, and calling. Anyhow, I want to learn what kind of witchcraft she used to kill Prue. I want to meet her, oh, and her little cat too. Now fly my monkeys! Fly!" (She laughs wickedly until they're gone, then she changed the cauldron back to the FoodNetwork.)

(Meanwhile…)

(The three of them had stumbled into a forest. Your basic dark dank, crap hole.)

Piper: "$20 says we meet someone else here."

Cole: "Deal,"

Hocrow: "So Cole, um, wanna run off and go get married?"

Piper: "Hocrow, what are you doing?"

Hocrow: "I'm trying to hit on him."

Piper: "Well that's not how you do it. Marriage scares the crap out of guys." (She slaps her just for the hell of it.)

(There's a rustling in the bushes then a giant guy with really long blonde hair (Leo) jumps out.)

Leo: "Please don't rape me please! I'm too pretty to be emotionally wounded!" (He gets down on his hands and knees.)

Piper: "Get up; we're not gonna rape you, though Hocrow over there might wanna marry you." (Leo starts to whimper.)

Cole: "So let me guess, your damage is that you're a sissy-ass mommy's boy?"

Leo: (Almost crying.) "What's your problem?"

Piper: "Its okay, Cole has anger management issues."

Leo: "Oh, well, I'm just afraid of everything." (He turns to Phoebe,) "Especially commitment,"

Piper: "Interesting, I'm Piper, how ya doin? I'm trying to get home, this is Cole, like I said, and Hocrow needs a brain to learn how to make passes at guys. Also, this is my cat, Kit; she just magically came back after a few years after turning human. We're all going to see the Warloc-I mean Wizard to ask him to help us with our issues and you're coming with us because I said so. Got it? Ok, let's go, burning daylight her people!"

Cole: (Whispering.) "Wow, she's bossy,"

Leo: "Yea but look at that butt." (Looks at Cole.) "You're not going to hit me are you?"

Cole: "I might," (Leo, snivels)

(They walk some more until they see something flying in the air.)

Hocrow: "Look, up in the sky; it's a bird!"

Cole: "It's a plane!"

Leo: "It's Superman!"

Piper: "You idiots, its 4 flying monkeys. Wait…"

(The four monkey-men swoop down try to pick up Piper but Cole swings his ax and chops Andy in half, then body slams Glen to death. In all the commotion Jason accidentally grabs Hocrow by mistake by they've already flown away.)

Leo: "Shouldn't we go after them?"

Cole: "What do you mean 'we'? You would probably just hide behind a tree like just now."

Piper: "No one's going after her. When we get to the Warloc- I mean Wizard we'll ask him to bring her back, but who were those guys?"

Leo: "I think they were the Wicked Witch of the North side's henchmen."

Piper: "I see. Well let's keep going. I see a field up ahead then a castle behind that."

(So they all start walking again, until they come to a field filled with green plants.)

Leo: "What is this stuff? Oregano?"

Piper: "No! Don't you see? It's weed! Beautiful weed!" (She gets on the ground and starts pocketing as much pot as she can. Cole does the same, and Leo just stands there.)

Daryl: "Hey! Get out of my field you hippies!"(They all look up to see Daryl, dressed in overalls, running toward him carrying a rake.)

Piper: "You've got to be kidding me."

(The three of them take of running towards the castle. They lose Daryl, but had to catch up to Leo because he had a 2 minute head start.)

Back at Catherine's castle…

(Jason drags Hocrow up to Catherine and drops her.)

Catherine: "Who's this?"

Jason: "It's the visitor, like you requested my queen."

Catherine: "Ah, doy, no it's not; this is that stupid scarecrow that hit on me last week."

(Hocrow winks at her.)

Leslie: "We're sorry if we grabbed the wrong one, but there was a Tin Man with an ax, and he chopped and body slammed the others."

Catherine: "Too bad, so sad." (She claps her hand and a boiling cauldron of oil appears.) "Into the pot,"

Leslie: "But…"

Catherine: "Now…" (They unhurriedly climb in and are instantly burnt to death.)

"Geesh, it's so hard to find good henchmen these days."

(The three finally made it up to the green castle and rang the giant doorbell.)

(A man looks through a little slit.)

Man: "Yes?"

Piper: "We're here to see the Warloc- I mean Wizard please."

Man: "Go away,"

Cole: (Angry) "Why?"

Leo: "N-now Cole, let's not do anything to upset the man." (Cole pushes him.)

Man: "Go away,"

Piper: "No! I had to fight through angry midgets…"

Leo: "Little people,"

Piper: "Whatever! I had to meet a Hocrow that can't ho, a Tin man with serious emotional issues, a guy who hasn't bathed in god knows how long and is afraid of his own reflection, fight through a bunch of mutated men, then run from a crazy guy who grows pot, and to top it all off I'm wearing a dead chicks shoes because I hit her with my house! You better let us see him or there's gonna be hell to pay!"

(Everyone, including Kit, is staring at her.)

Man: "What I meant to say is; come on in!" (He opens the huge door and they walk in and walk down a long hallway until they get to the end and walk into another room.)

Piper: "Hello?"

Cole: "Anyone home?"

(A giant floating green head appears. Leo pisses his pants and faints.)

Wizard: "Who dare disturb me during my nap?"

Piper: "Me!"

Wizard: "Who's 'me'?"

Piper: "Piper Halliwell, and Cole Tin Man."

Wizard: "Never heard of ya."

Piper: "Ugh, I'm the chick that killed the Wicked Witch of the West side."

Wizard: "You are? Holy crap! Hold on!" (There are some clanking sounds then Gideon appears from behind a curtain.) "How can I help you my dear?"

Piper: "Well I'd like to go home,"

Cole: "And I'd like a heart, preferably one from a 24-year old male, non-smoker."

Piper: "And the guy lying on the floor needs some courage."

Kit: "I want Meow Mix; I want Meow Mix, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow…"

Wizard: "Well um, okay, first you must go on a quest." (He hands Piper a piece of paper.)

'_Caldron, broomstick, and gum.'_

Piper: "Okay, where's the nearest Walmart?"

Wizard: "There isn't one, you must go to the Wicked Witch of the East side's castle and steal them from her."

Cole: "And get ourselves killed and turned into a German car? I don't think so."

Wizard: "You have to, and take your passed out friend with you, he wet my floor."

Piper: "Fine, we'll go," (Cole picks up Leo and they leave once again, but not after Piper flips off the Wizard.)

(Catherine's looking into her cauldron.)

Catherine: "They're coming," (She looks around.) "Who am I talking to?"

Hocrow: "Me?"

Catherine: "Aren't you dead yet? I chopped off your head like an hour ago."

Hocrow: "I'm made of straw, it's gonna take a lot more than a guillotine to kill me." (Catherine lights a match.) "No!" (She picks up her head and runs out of the room just as Piper and the other two burst in through the door, Cole's holding a gun.)

Cole: "Okay, this is a stick-up, just give us the cauldron, broom, and gum and no one gets hurt." (Leo runs upstairs to get away from everyone.)

Catherine: "Seriously, I'm a witch, a bullet won't hurt me."

Piper: "Oh believe me, it will, I know from experience."

Catherine: "Oh, you must be Piper," (She walks closer.)

Piper: "Yea,"

Catherine: "I'd like to get to know you better. How would you like to be my new daughter?"

Piper: "Well I never really had a mom, so sure, why not?" (they're about to hug until a pool of water spills on top of Catherine, she starts to melt.)

Catherine: "Ooh, who would've ever guessed I would have water touch me?" (She melts totally.)

(Leo walks back downstairs.)

Leo: "There's something wrong with her toilet."

Cole: "That's disgusting, let's get out of here." (They grab the stuff and turn and start to leave then Phoebe comes running in.)

Hocrow: "Wait!" (She runs and jumps into Cole's arms and they accidentally kiss.)

Cole: "Wow, I suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy."

Piper: "See Cole, you had a heart all along, you just needed Hocrow to bring it out, and Hocrow, you had a brain, you just choose not to use it much, and Leo, well, you're a Whitelighter where I come from so you're screwed on the courage thing."

Leo: "Yea, but you're still here, so let's get back to the Wizard so he can send you home."

Piper: "Na, I think I'm gonna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch, my home sucks, here I can actually be evil without my dumbass family screwing it up." (She picks up Catherine's whip and her clothes abruptly change into the leather getup.) "Mwhahahahaha!"

(Cole pulls out a SuperSoaker and squirts her and she starts to melt.)

Piper: "Noooooooo!"

Leo: (Distantly,) "Piper, Piper,"

(Piper opens her eyes and she's back in the Manor. Her whole family is standing around her.)

Phoebe: "Are you alright?"

Piper: "Wha? Oh I was having the most wonderful dream, only you were there, and you, and you." (She points to everyone.)

Paige: "Well it's alright now,"

Piper: "What happened?"

Leo: "I was in the middle of telling you I was gay and you passed out and hit your head on the coffee table."

Piper: "B-but, I kn- what about ever- the world, it was opposite, and Chris and I were stuck together, and Cole was pregnant, and…"

Phoebe: "Cole? Piper he's been gone for awhile, and you and Chris aren't stuck together."

Piper: "So it was all just a dream?"

Paige: "I guess so,"

(The scene freezes and turns black and white and a guy in a suit walks in front.)

Guy: "Munchkins, pregnant men, and Prue. Figments of our imagination or real living breathing things? To Piper Halliwell they were real. Are our lives really real or just dreams? Dreams which we will one day awaken from…In the Twilight Zone…..

Me: "T-T-That's all folks!"

Prue: "Wow, I _so _didn't see that coming."

Dan: "I did,"

Andy: "Me too,"

Me: "Well I guess that's it."

Barbas: "Now what?"

Me: "Well, I have to think of some creative way to get rid of you all."

Prue: "B-but, I don't want this to end."

Me: (Quietly,) "It has to," (I pull of a pistol and shoot Andy and Dan in the head, they die. Then I freeze Barbas and hang him from the ceiling.)

Prue: "What about me?"

Me: "You just go, I figure if I wanna torture you the best way to do that is to let you live." (She stands up and starts to leave.)

Prue: "You comin?"

Me: "You go on ahead; I've got some stuff to do." (Prue nods and walks away, on her way through the door she turns off the light. I'm just sitting there in the dark…you hear the door close.)

_Fin….._

Ok, I know, bad ending, oh well, you guys better review or else I'm not gonna update any other fics, got it?

Cya!

Nicole


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